Chemistry on a different level

Oh dear, well I had a soda today, one with a ton of ice so really it wasn't much and then 3 sips of another....bad bad me but I did drink more water? I am of course in a silly and quite interesting state. I came home from class at 8:40pm and had an enormous glass of merlot with my parents and semi-grandparents (I didn't pour it myself, my semi-grandfather did) and whoa! Its been a really long time since I have drank anything and mann I am feeling it. I will sleep well tonight...geez I have had to stinkin fix so many spelling errors on this thing....k, no more. Let it all be as it may. Ok, I am off to bed and I just want to tell the world that my lovely friend boy is super sweet and I think I am keeping him around....at least until I am able to get a sample of his sperm and run it through the IR or Mass spec instrument to see what is in it...this has been a continuing fascination of mine, i even hve a vile to put it in. I can be like, ok, go in the bathroom and meet me here in 10 minutes, or whatever it takes. Thanks! K, that's the plan. Lets see if he'll agree to it, he's a chemist so really, why not?

Hiugs for you all.....

Turning over a new carbon-carbon bond

Ok so I am trying to do something here for myself. I have quit drinking sodas and have been successful since uh, yesterday? I started on Friday so oh! Three days now! Woohoo! I am doing this as I think it is contributing to the slight flabby tummy I am seeing appear on my person. I have decided I might want to get my belly button pierced so this is a good incentive as well...I am still debating but I really would like to have it done, I have just come to a happy medium with my belly button so now would be the ideal time.

Also I saw the movie "secretary" last night and I found it very intriguing. It was about dominant/submissive types in sexual relations and it really got me thinking. I would love to read a secular/liberal book on this and then read a Christian version of the psychology of it all and if it is classified by bible-based people as in the same sort of group of things such as homosexuality or if it is really a normal thing that some people just prefer. I want to ask about a book from one of the elders I trust at church but I don't want him to get the wrong impression-whatever that may be. Anyways, that has been on my mind all day, I so want to read up on this. I have been seeing that the psychology of sexuality is very interesting and is extremely diverse, not to be perverted in any sense but I want to learn about it all, the why's and the what's. I want to learn and then help people....weird. A sex therapist....wouldn't it be kinda satisfying? (no pun intended I promise) Like to help people with a part of their lives that to some is so super private that they can't even explain these concepts and things and thoughts to their children for their own maturity-mentally and physically? Ok, off my soapbox but yeh, you are my blog and that is what you are for so there!

Curithers, I feel as if I am constantly finding out more about myself and more of what I am interested in....its crazy. I thought after 21 years I might know more of who I am but really I don't!

My love, this is a continual journey which you must endeavour on...enjoy it as when you know everything about yourself, what is left to discover?

Art-sey or just plain weird?

Today I went for the "Artsey" look with my wardrobe, I am wearing odd enough clothes but the main bit is the purple scarf I have draped in a nice fashion around my head...it looks very original and I like it. I also didn't wear a brazziere today and I think I may regret it as it is slightly cold outside and I didn't bring a sweater or jacket with me, only the cardigan I have over my shirt, poor boobs, so sorry that you will be cold today-I truly am. Ok, off to so some work and get coffee before heredity-such a great class, its alot of fun.

Adios Curithers!

Farewell my love, take care this fine day and do try to stay warm....

Oh Sheridan, what ever is the matter?

I am so sorry! I am still neglecting you! Ok, I will try to be better but no promises ok? Ok.

I got a ticket yesterday, like a speeding ticket....I was driving to see ma'boy and I was like, hmm, I want to go fast and see how fast I can go. Sho'nuff, as I come flying over a hill a cop passes me the other way and turns, crapit! Serves me right, I was being deliberately rebellious and I saw the consequences quite fast. That was yesterday when I was also in a nasty mood, very critical and mean (pmsy really) and then I became very clingy and couldn't stand to be alone, hence my going to see the boy and getting a ticket.

Last night I had about 6 different weird dreams, all very distressing, after each of which I woke up and proceeded to talk about it. The one that got me the most and which I have been pondering all day is one where I delivered a baby and the mother wasn't ready to accept it and me being the first person to touch the baby, the baby thought I was its mother. Well it grew to think of me as the mother and I was so happy and I cleaned and dressed her and held her and fed her and everything and then the mom decides she is mature enough to have it back (she was a young mother) after like a few weeks and I am devastated, like I know the baby is better off with her but I am heartbroken and the baby doesn't recognize her as her mother and cries and its so terribly hard for me. Weird huh?

One other was that this prof at school which is such a nasty man decided to quit and I was so excited as now I could take p-chem from a different prof and the whole interviewing process was being undertaken to find a new physical chemist..this was a good one-odd though as it was so real.

Another one I was being molested, how horrid is that? Thankfully I can't recall all of the details now which I could this morning and if I did I wouldn't write them anyways. It was very distressing.

The others I don't recall as well but mann, what a night. Then I kept shivering with like three blankets on and never could get warm although the room was kinda toasty. Menopause? Oh also, I am getting fatter! I had lost 20 pounds and any sort of appetite I had and now I just want to eat chocolate and snickers bars all day long (probably pms-which could add to the weight gain). UH! How depressing is that?! I had someone tell me I didn't look as skinny as I did last time I saw them, she was trying to be nice as she was worried that I was wasting away and that I never ate but still. Wow, so I look fatter, hmmm, nice.

So to sum it up: weird weird freakin weird dreams (more than normal), shivers or too hot, getting fat!!! =-( , gaining appetite back again (poop it is), irritated with innocent bistanders ready to tear their heads off, clingy to boy and lack of desire to be alone (weird for me), and rebelliously speeding. Curithers, you think a 1/4 life crisis?

My love, perhaps you are going to have twins? Or better yet, quintuplets! Either that or you are just going through menopause....

What has occurred...

Oh my poor blog, I am sorry I have neglected you so, I have a confession to make. It's really hard to say this but, but, oh I am so sorry, please forgive me! I have unfaithful with another blog and I am sorry! Perhaps that is why I can't sleep, I am thinking of cheating on you, my dear blog, with another. Terrible I am I know it. Can you ever forgive me? If so, here is what's going on.

School seems to go pretty well, I enjoy seeing the boy everyday for at least lunch. I think my brain appreciates that I am using it once again.

I got all mooshy to a clingy extreme when a friend of mine brought her baby in-6 weeks old! I watched her move and I felt her in her tummy all last semester every day and now she is born and is beautiful and I am longing for my own. I am sad though as I was recently given advice from a prof with kids that I should wait to go to grad school until my kids are 5 or same as I have none right now, wait to have kids till I am done-that's like 6-7 years! I am sad! I will be what, 28? Good grief! And then I get all anxious and I think, what if I am not very fertile and I can't have kids? Heaven forbid that?!?! Well I could always adopt but I wanted a baby with my genes and stuff, to be weird like me and to have pretty eyes like their dad-whoever he is he has pretty eyes I guarantee it. Anyways so yeh.

I TA-ed an organic 2 lab today which means that I help them out, answer questions, make sure they don't blow themselves up and grade. I am kinda excited and nervous as if the labs ever go past 6 pm-which they often do-I will be in charge of the lab as the instructor has to go home to her kids....wow, I will be in charge! Mann, a little power goes a long way.... WHAHHAHAHAHA WHAHAHAHA (evil laugh if you didn't catch on).

Ok Curithers, will you forgive me?

......

Curithers? Oh please? Ok, I deserve it, I will give you space and time....I'm sorry if that helps.

Ah yes, back into the horrid grind of school and no life tomorrow, ugh. I have a headache already thinking about getting up for 8 am glasses five days a week-ick. These aren't the kind you can just skip if you feel like it either, it would be death if I did....Biochem 2 and Differential Equations (translation: really hard really time consuming math class). I want to run away again, I like that idea of moving where no one knows me, just me and perhaps one other person as I mean some company would be nice. I am super burned out with school and rightly so as I should be graduating this semester if I was any normal person but noooo....have to over achieve eh? Huh? Huh? You complaining girl? Hmmmm? Who is doing this to herself? Hmmm? Ok, enough ragging on myself, time for bed. Its freaking 7:05 pm here! I need some sleep! Watch me be awake until like midnight sitting here just thinking and worrying about school-blast it.

Talk to you later Curithers.

Sleep well my love, rest your eyes and brain for the last time for approximately four months of hardship and death. Four months of strain and neverending homework and late nights doing it and no social life or no life at all for that matter. Four months of a date consisting of working late in the lab and getting a bite to eat before you each go home to their beds and pass out. Yes my dear, sleep very very well.

Geez, thanks Curithers, so so so....encouraging you are.

What took place....

Ok so I didn't sleep for 3 days but soon after my post I feel into a very very deep sleep and awoke at 6:30 am in the very same position and place that I fell asleep, lovely sleep it was. I did of course after that initial deep sleep fall asleep again and was awoken with various delusions of people talking to me and handing me stuff-specifically keys in this case. I had to look when I woke up to make sure they were not near me where the "person" left them-they were no where to be found of course. I must also not that I when I got out of bed this morning I arose with such umph and energy and spunk that you would think I just drank 10 cups of coffee or an equal amount of dr. pepper. I must say, that was very good stuff.

Curithers, off to church after I go and brush and floss my teeth two times....more would be lovely but time is of the essence.

My love, you really do have an addiction to oral hygeine. It is wise of you not to brush them more than 3 times a day as you might become obsessive compulsive but be careful, you seem very near to it.

Delusions of Grandeur

Ok ok, so I am a tad bit too hopeful. I try to go to bed at 10:30 thinking of all the lovely sleep I will get and then I can wake up at 7 or 8 and do pilates and have a shower and eat breakfast and get ready for church and life is good, right? Wrong. I get into bed and realize I can't sleep and I am wide wide awake. These blasted dreams and I am delusional as I am seeing and hearing things that are not there....weird. I am not going crazy just yet, I think. That will come about two months from now for sure. Ok, so I took a sleeping tablet under parental advisory and we shall see what it does, usually sleeping pills don't affect me much but this one is prescription so I hope it works. If it works too well and I am in a deep sleep for a week or so I will miss classes and will not get to talk to a few people so here are my words to them:

Boy-snails to you, tons and truckloads of snails to you-but you already knew that
Ging-the chicken has flown, make sure he stays in the air girl
Library Mafia-the boy will pay off my debt that I owe, he is now in charge of my affairs
Spot-how I adore you my sweet, you have been such a great friend, take care until I wake in a few days and do remember to fetch the paper every day

Heh, that almost sounded eulogyish you know it? That is only on the account that I sleep for like 3 days or something like sleeping beauty but without the beauty. Hey, can I have lilies by my bed when I wake up? Can that be arranged? Can it? Hmm? Hey, you there, boy! Arrange it and tell Georgie and Bacon Boy that they owe me 20 grand in chemistry books and 10 in cookies and they have to give it to you by Wednesday otherwise I will sick ma'boys on 'em when I wakey wakey. Gotcha boo, yo be a pimpin wich me now.

Dr. Pepper and Tea

I am all fine and dandy today. I had a nice day spending some time with my parents and I cooked alot and I cleaned and organized a bunch of stuff in my sty....ahhhh. Feels nice. Ok, that is just an update so my poor blog does not think I am still upset with it. Oh one last thing, this is really weird. Lately I have been waking up from dreaming and I am talking or I am reaching for something. Well this morning I clearly heard the door bell ring and I jumped out of bed, threw something more decent on, and ran to the front door to find no one around and no one else heard it so I was dreaming. This was really weird. One morning I woke myself up saying "no!" and the grabing thing? I am constantly waking up as I am grabing for someone's hand or for something and its not there. Very weird-must be the singular as I have had vivid dreams ever since I began it-like super weird dreams and I wake up and can't distinguish what was real and what was not. Very very strange.

Curithers, I like things in order-even if it is all in piles as long as its piles that I know what they are.

Yes my love, many people do take comfort in orderliness but most find that an organized mess is not as pleasing as you seem to.

Please don't be alarmed...its only a mood and shall pass

I am feeling very violent presently...I can't find squat I want to eat and I am hungry and I am irritated that what I want to eat is not in my present sphere. I am also very irritated at everything in general. I am feeling horribly mad and irritable and insensative. The violent tendency I talk about is not physical violence but more of a violence that I could really hurt someone verbally as I am cold and feelingless. I suppose I am not feelingless as I am feeling irritation and anger but I am feelingless when it comes to compassion and love presently. I want to yell at a certain person who does not live in this town and tell him what I think of him still as I haven't done it to this date. I have kept composure however so hard it has been. When I think of him I have to dismiss it and when I talk to him or get a message from him I want to curl up in a little ball in tears and scream and pull my hair. I realize how hateful I am still to this one, I seriously feel severe hate. How terrible that is. When will it finally leave me and stop taunting me? I need to move far away but will that really let me forget all that reminds me of him? I think not, everytime I think of physics or physical chemistry or asian culture or anime or computers or overseas traveling or anytime I feel demeaned or feel like someone looks down on me or anytime I think of bisexuals I will be hurt and bombarded with these terrible feelings. They are so sneaky as they creep up on me from time to time when I think they have subsided they come and rear their ugly heads reminding me they have not left me.

I need sleep Curithers.

Yes my love, sleep and drift into a mood dominated by relaxation and calming rain storms. Dwell on the drops falling from God's vast sky onto the soft green leaves of the euycalyptus plant in your window, that is its fantasty, enjoys its dreams and sleep my love, sleep soundly.

Financial aid sucks

Can I just take this time presently to rag on financial aid? Ok, thanks.

Okies, for one thing if they want my money so much then why don't they let me pay my tuition when my financial aid comes in and why does it only come in a month after school has started? Hmmm? What is up with that? They want me to take out a short term loan until my other loan comes in....what? Oh oh, I almost forgot, I can of course just pay half of my tuition today and then pay the other half later in the semester...umm if I had that money would I need a loan? Hmmm? Hmmm? Smarty pants that they are.

Oh also, what do you think they will do to me for having a library book out for more than a month overdue? Think they will hang me from my thumbs or my middles toes as a lesson to all other students that might get daring enough to keep a physical chemistry book out so long...I will be a sign to the ages of what will come from this great establishment. Perhaps I can just cough up the 5 cents a day late fee and they will forgive me....what is that for 30 days, uh lets see miss math minor. I am figuring like ooo man, a whole $1.50, shame on me for hiking up such a bill. Whatever shall I do? I must go now and auction off some of my prize belonging on Ebay to account for such a loss. My brain and thirst for knowledge sometimes comes at such a cost....sigh.

Curithers, (sigh again), sooner or later I will be living out of a box.

My love, then you can move closer to the school and you wouldn't have to worry about gas costs or rent. It would all work out for the benefit of your brain my dear, trust me....your grey matter is thanking you for this.

Alone in a house with 8000 people

Odd, isn't it, that when someone is upset with you the entire air seems thick with it. I feel as if I am in this house alone, they wanted me to be home for a bit to see them but then they sit in their room doing who knows what and I in mine cleaning out school stuff. I feel very strange, almost and ethereal feeling if that can be felt. I think this also has to do with the fact that I start school again on Monday and I am not looking forward to being disciplined. I want to just be a normal person for a bit longer, no stinking hard classes that eat away at you slowly as you are still alive and just become more and more delirious as the time goes on. I want to settle down, have kids and take care of them. I want to clean my house and think of cool things to do with my kids and I want to think of new recipes and cook. I want to make scavenger hunts for my kids and bake with them and read with them and play games with them. Wow, what motherly older-than-I-am thoughts I am having. Oh by the way, I also want to move from this horrid place far away. Why you ask? I need to break free and its so hard when I am remaining where I am in the old grind of things. I want to go on an adventure, whether it be traveling or just moving somewhere new and settling. I want to explore the new streets and browse through new stores and just see new things. I am not content being here where I am. I want to go and explore.

Curithers, doesn't everyone feel this? How is that people can be satisfied just living in one place all their lives? I am so totally and utterly abhor this idea!

My love, some people have a difficult time thinking about anything outside of what they know. It is comfortable to them and they thrive on comfort. You on the other hand love change and love new things to explore, that is why you are in chemistry. You will never know all there is to know about it and therefore it keeps your interest and you will continue to explore its vast expanses....all these great things that God has created for us to learn and discover.

Weird oddidities

Its so weird, all day I have felt very spacey and very sensative to weird things. Here they are in not so much order:

1. Went with friends to steak house to eat, couldn't find but like one thing on the menu to eat and felt like ranting and raving out and running around like a crazy woman protesting for animal rights....I wanted to yell at the people and write in to the manager telling how I think it is awful that these poor cows and chickens have suffered just so people can eat a "texas-like" meal. Ugh, it makes me sick.

2. Was seriously terrified that I might move to a place to go to grad school in a place without grass...whatever will I do? Oh my gosh, it would be horrid!

3. I wanted to beat up people at the mall that were in my way or looked at me weird.

4. Got paranoid about if boy gets bored with me, asked him and he reassures me he would just put me in the dumpster-heh....translation, he wouldn't.

Ok so that's only a part of it but yeh, it goes on. Anyways, I think its post-menstral-syndrome....the depressing-very dazy-drunken like-overly sensative mood.

Curithers, I am tired and I feel numb, again. Why does this happen so often?

My love, you need to do some pilates or yoga, it will clear your mind and your body will feel stretched and relaxed. Try it my dear.