Blueberry green tea is the best.

Why is it that I find myself attracted slightly to someone when I have sworn off males all together as a dying race that will have nothing to do with my intimate future? It must be pms hormones that are doing their awful work. Damn those hormones! I have to keep telling myself all they are in trouble and you will just get hurt and besides, its way too soon! Like in 2 years or so perhaps but not now. Good grief, weirdo body, its just plain odd. Yes I have decided it is the time of the month because I have known this person all semester and unconsciously all last semester and I was never attracted to them before. I shall have to test this out though, after this week I shall see if I still feel the same way, if so, I am going nuts and need something to jolt me back into shape.

Mmmm....green tea....mmmm......blueberries.....

Curithers, I have no motivation to study as I so need to.

My love, motivation is something not easily found, set a goal and see where that goes, if no where, perhaps your brain and body need a break.

Fish net stalkings and p-chem...what do they have in common?

Today was odd as I see more and more how being president of a club allows you the joys of things while others can work on homework (which I really really wanted to do). I didn't even get offered help from my officers! I eventually did from one at the end of the totem poll but what's up with that? I guess it is my fate. Oh well.

Ever miss someone but if you actually saw them it would be kinda awkward due to mutual suppressed interest ever since you first met? Yeh, it would be weird and I might blush, good thing its not happening any time soon.

Ok, so p-chem homework goes much better when watching cartoons, something about the way the cartoons massage your brain to a numbness and the p-chem just flows right in. Oh by the way p-chem (physical chemistry) is like hardest possible undergraduate chemistry course....it is usually associated with death of the student's brain or drop-out (either as they seem equivalent).

Ok, sleep is needed. Oh wanna hear something interesting that is on the tip of my brain? We are doing a booth at a Halloween carnival tomorrow night and I get to wear hooker boots. I am part goth in my attire and so fishnets and hooker boots and crazy eye lashes are the key. I am happy with this. Speaking of happy, I am like dreading when it hits me again (and more) of my terrible loss mentioned in an earlier blog. I know it will come and I feel like I am just ducking ever so slightly as I wait for it. If it did not come I might be worried, worried that I am an insensitive one and my affections were not as deep as I had thought (which they feel very deep). Perhaps it would be just grace that my sufferings were cut short. We shall see never-the-less.

Curithers! A mosquito is buzzing around my ears!

Be glad, my darling, that you have ears to buzz around.....and lovely ones at that they are. (grin)

First day of asparagus and peanut butter (translation:school and grief)

Well, my first day as a normal person trying to get over things went decently-as well as could be expected I suppose. I had a horrible morning and skipped some classes/labs for lack of concentration and emotional stability but after a nice nap until about 2 I was fine for the rest of the night. It still feels like a dream. I keep thinking he will call or email and tell me it was a mistake and he really does love me and can be with me. Realistically I highly doubt this, although it would be so amazing I would have to do something drastic...like run around naked in the rain or whatnot-oooo might scare a few bugs hiding in the trees...hmm....perhaps a rethink on that one. =)

I went to a friend's house who is having a baby and she showed me all her baby stuff (she's due very soon) and I felt half way sad and empty thinking I won't have any children that I so desired. I won't have them because I won't get married. Perhaps I will have an orphanage and will be able to love those children as my own.

Curithers, I must read now and then go to sleep, ready for another day..

Take courage my love, don't let the world get you down tomorrow, keep your eyes lifted to your Father.....He loves you, you know?

Stick a knife in it and twist...

That is basically how I feel. I have been deceived and deeply hurt by someone whom I love with all my heart. It is like they are dead, it cannot be resolved in a normal manner, but they are still alive which hurts even worse. I have to now adjust myself to love this person as my friend and not as the one I have loved. I loved him in a way that I want to get old with him and have children with him and spend my life with him.....that has to all be erased. Circumstances do not allow for any of that now, I must simply love him as a person. Have you ever tried to change from that sort of love into a purely friendship one? It is so not easy. I mean, I don't even want a relationship with anyone if its not him. I seriously don't ever want to meet anyone, I couldn't bare to without thinking of him. I just see no future for me in that area.

I know I will grieve for several weeks if not longer, grieve for the loss of the person that I loved, the person I thought he was. God could have been using this for him or for me. I feel He has protected me and gave him a glimpse of normality (not that I am in any way normal of course) and perhaps he can see it is possible. I will continue to pray for him and for God to draw him in, showing him how much He loves him.

I can't but still feel so hurt, it is like my title says, a knife has been stuck into my heart, twisted, and yanked out. There is still enough there that I still deeply love the one who pierced it and care for them more than any person in the world other than my immediate family. It sounds so harsh but I want him to realize how much he has hurt me and see what he could have prevented if he had only revealed this sooner.

Life sometimes sucks is all I can say my Curithers...

My love, it does seem rather dim at times, but keep your chin up and realize you have an entire life still to live.....

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate......alias: sodium dodecyl sulfate

Well well, I do feel different being older and legal but that is about it. I had a rather busy birthday-school wise-which was kinda blah. I actually had to wake up super early and go to bed super late and do crap all day. I did get to go out to eat but when I ordered a glass of wine she didn't card me! What's up with that? I could have had it all the time then? Hmmm? Oh well, I hope I get carded sometime this weekend or it doesn't count-the birthday and all...you have to be carded within like that weekend or the Monday following or it just plain doesn't count. Pressure is on. =-)

Anyhow, better get back to lab work. Interestingly enough, I inhaled some powder as I was weighing it out (unfortunately) and my lungs are slightly tight feeling. It was just a detergent type substance but it does say "if inhaled, may cause coughing, respiratory tract irritation, labored breathing, and pulmonay edema. may cause mucous membrane irritation." Hmm....something to definately take note of.

Curithers I was careful when handling it, I really was. I tried to look away or cover my face but some things are inevitable if done outside of a hood.....

My dear, really one must be oh so careful....perhaps a mask next time? Do watch your health tonight my love, just to be on the safe side......

Twenty First

Wow, this is a landmark event here. This is my last night being 20 years old. Tomorrow I will be legal for most things. It is odd because I will not get to celebrate as I have homework and school stuff needing to be done but still...its a very different feeling. They say you don't feel different and generally you don't but I do now. I feel liberated and more free. Yeh, ok.

Curithers, I want to sleep in on my birthday but I have to wake up at 6 am to set up a bake sale for an organization....

My love, you will have a lovely productive day that will just start earlier than you would like it to.....and look on the bright side-you get to sit next to cookies for a bit, what a treat!

Blue crabs awaiting their horrible fate......

I love research I have decided. I love to talk about what I have done and I get so excited discussing it and possible future things I may get to do.

I have also decided I hate men that are chauvinist pigs or just plain degrade and demean women. I feel there is so much more to women and they should be seen as people and not just icons of sex. I feel that we are very much equal and there is nothing in man that makes him better than a female. We are equals and some men do possess more strength than some women, that doesn't make the female the lesser of the species. Women can multitask better than men but does that make them better? No. I get the urge to strongly defend woman-kind when I hear men talking about us in such a way. We are not the lesser sex, we are the equal sex. Men would get no where without us and neither would we without them. It takes both to procreate-equally. Of course the woman does have to actually carry the baby but initially it takes equal effort on both sides.

I have been recently hurt emotionally and it really leads one to consider never opening oneself up to anyone again. I mean if you give yourself to someone and then they ignore you and don't seem to appreciate you, what it the point? I mean I still care and love for them but they don't seem to care about me at all....what is the point of me wasting my tears? I dare to wonder why we even love at all....why do we bother with people if they just hurt us? Why not love God and the earth? Neither will deliberately hurt us emotionally (animals tend to be un-deliberate every once in a great while). Why? I do not understand the logic in it all....I feel as if I am wasted and I have no desire to ever deeply love someone. I don't want to come to a time when they decide they don't love me anymore....that is too painful to go through and that pain doesn't seem to even out the time you would have spent with them. Perhaps I am being heartless and selfish but this is my blog and this is what I am thinking.

I need to rest....tests and quizzes in the morning.....

Good night Curithers, sleep well...
Good night my love, peaceful dreams to you and a restful night I wish you......

Gigantic Syringe or Cloned sheep?

Well actually neither...you see the sheep were tossed as their wool had rat nests in it and the syringe weired out her husband too much, enough to want to buy a gun...hmmm.

I was looking for these items in the barn of a professor's daughter for a float for the science department in general...for homecoming of course. This parade will be in one week and we haven't even started making it yet! Oh well, I won't be there to see its demise anyways...isn't that horribly inconsiderate of me? I am leaving it to the hands of other students and officers of organizations to deal with the shame. It should be fun at least in the slightest bit. Maybe a few "naughty" nurses, as had been suggested, should lighten it up a tad. It will consist so far of Einstein and Frankenstein and his monster-whahahahah!...oh dear, excuse me. Interesting is the only word that can truly describe it.

Can you make someone want to be near you or miss you more? Well, if you have ever thought this, the answer is plainly no. No you cannot make someone want to spend time with you, you can desparately hope and pray, but ultimately they make up their own mind.

Pancakes are best eaten in the evening by the way and after studying physical chemistry all day, its very difficult to fall asleep. The brain has been on and running full speed for so long it can't remember how to turn off for a brief amount of time. (this is of course for us non-geniuses in the world, disreguard if you don't fall into that category-in fact, let me know and I will put you to work writing one of my many reports due this week so I may concentrate on tests and meetings and homework, blasted homework I tell you.

Curithers, I am sleepy but my brain is still running, whatever can I do?

My love, all you can do is lay down and think of restful thoughts, smooth running water over soft rocks in a creek, breeze whispering through massive pine trees, minute insects busy gathering food or finding new homes, unaware of the immense troubles in the endless world around them. Think on these things my precious one...

Kippers on toast

I feel so stressed with all the crap I have to get done that I want to scream. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like if they "just accidentally got sick" or something of that sort then they could have reasons for mercy on their deadlines. On top of the intense screaming going on inside of me I also feel like a dam is being built up and may blow at any moment-tears I mean. I am sick and have lost my appetite due to all the things I have to do. I haven't really been procrastinating either, only on one thing really and that is for the end of the week. Lord help me and please, please hold me up. Give me strength and the ability to get all of this done. Give me clarity of thought and ease of memory and comprehension. Thank you for providing for me.

Rotten Rhubarb

Ok, what's the deal? More undesirable "bump into's". Today I saw the Rotton Rhubarb, this one was nasty and I just looked at the piece of work and turned around where I was sitting, hopefully it was obvious. I should have given him a nasty look...this is how you make me feel.....ooo then it might be interpreted wrong. Sick. Old men or nastys is who I seem lure in....what does that say about me? Ick!

Curithers! Help! I attract old men who want to go home with me and are old enough to be my grandfater or men old enough be my dad who have children!! What's up with that?

My love, sometimes you cannot control life, it just happens. Laugh about it and please refer to comment from previous post about Houdini efforts and if this doesn't work, perhaps plastic surgery?

Armadillo again?

You would think that avoiding someone in a normal sized town would be not so hard but how in the world can it be so!!! I loathe one person, in fact, when I see them it makes me want to vomit almost (chock it up to past experience) but I see them often, painfully often. I cannot go certain places and I must constantly be on the look out. Like this evening, I was eating with a friend and the "someone" ,whom I shall call armadillo, came into the restaurant to get food...imagine that...going to eat at the same establishment. Ok ok, I see that this is not such a coincidence but still. I Armadillo knew how much I pained to see him surely there would be no more contact, even if on accident? I snuck out when he had his back turned...sly I was....feeling like a regular James Bond or Mrs. Peale.

Curithers, how shall I approach this?
My love, with great tact....and plenty of escape routes...

peas and rutabaga...

Geez, its amazing when you seriously pray about something and then it is so blatantly answered...so soon! Why do I have in my head that when I pray for something God will take months to answer, no matter what the request is. He is Him and can do as He wishes which doesn't always take forever (in my small brain). The blessing was super obviously from Him and was super cool...thanks God.

On a lighter note (heavier perhaps), one should not eat whatever is in front of her/him (her in my case)......this act, commonly known as gluttony, does not contribute to the body's well being and makes one feel lousy and fat. Even if the subject felt this way prior to the indulgence, the after effect is still worse than the prior. Ick.

Curithers! My stomach hurts!
Drink some warm ginger water and go to bed my love, this will always do the trick....
Oh, and do remember to try not to do this sort of thing in the very near future my dear, its not the best for you, you know.

Why is it that no matter how much scientific information I obtain and knowledge of these supposed logical items, when I see one who is so strong in the Lord, I long to be like them more than the scientific things I know. Is that proof that God and being close to Him is still more important to me than knowledge that man deems so important and necessary to live a fulfilled life? I see a believer, one who has known Him for at least 30 years and has been walking with Him that same time, and her maturity and wisdom and I long for that which cannot be achieved by taking a class or studying and making an excellent grade on an exam. If only it were that easy. I realize that I have become engulfed by the world's idea that knowledge is everything and have caused myself to even forget simple love to others just as He shows me. I have become guilty of being selfish and harboring anger towards someone because I feel there was good reason, looking over the fact that I should be merciful in my thoughts toward them as He is to me. I need to love that person more and more as they grow increasingly cold and abnoxious.

Why have I looked over these things Curithers?
It is, my love, because you have become too obsessed with what the world would have you be or have you do. Remain true to your Father and have your actions please Him. Love to please Him. Give to please Him. Forgive and have grace to please Him. Do, not to be good, but to please your Almighty, your Ya-Rahmaan, my dear love.

Evil thoughts turn to evil actions!!!

I have surprised myself today with how evil I can be and I feel terrible. It was a display in front of 23 students and was a humorous display but oh I feel awful. Oh well, shit happens right?

Rain makes me want to sleep and sleep and sleep. To cuddle up in bed and sleep for hours on end....maybe endless hours....is that the same?


Oooo...lightning, never good for my dear computer....

Curithers...do unplug that thing, its the most preposterous thing to have it plugged straight into an outlet during a thunder storm....you are so right dear love.

Curithers' troubling time.....

So how can this be? I am ticked off with someone for almost a week now, increasingly more every day, and they do one semi-kind thing and I melt at their feet. How ridiculously lame is that? I try to stay mad and tell myself all the things they have done-or rather not done-and still I can't be mad anymore. Is this a sign of a massive weakness or just severe optimism? Either one, its annoying. I want to be ticked off and irritated but its not working. Blasted brain is not overpowering the soul. I am just simply ticked off for not being ticked off.

Curithers, it sounds as if you are having a troubling time here, is this true? Yes dear love, it is sadly enough occupying precious space in my twisted grey matter.....whatever shall be done?

First of many...

Hmm, my first blog...whatever shall it contain...

Perhaps an introduction, nah, perhaps not. Maybe things that I should get out....maybe...but not at the moment. Hmmm, something odd today-or just a thought.

How come some people are so stinking social? I mean they just seem to have a knack for it? Also some people are so amazingly organized..what is up with that? Yes I am organized but it is more of a messy organization. Why can't there just be an understanding between the messy o's and the tidy o's? Then the messy o's could lose things every once in a great while (hemph!) and the tidy o's wouldn't be all uptight about it. Oooo, what if I am the only messy o and I that is why the tidy o's have a problem with me? Big long hmmmmm....

I made cookies today and they were lovely, odd how something so little could make me feel so content inside despite all the messy happenings of my week (not a reference to my messy o-ness by the way).

How important do you think it is as a person to feel wanted? I have been finding that it has a lot to do with whether a relationship is a good one or not. If one of the two (or three I suppose) is not feeling as if the other(s) feel their worth as a person, the bond is cracked between them. Why do people seem to not appreciate others? Is it lack of experience with intimate human interactions or is it seriously a sign of boredom from the one not "showing" the interest. Aren't friends friends because they give of themselves and share with each other and mutually give? Also if one does still want to be friends but doesn't care to show the other's value to them or give of their time to them (hey the smallest bit it still some) can this be possible?

Many things to muddle over in my brain....

My love, such seriousness should be reserved only for afternoons at 5:00. It is absurd to think in such a way all the time...so true dear Curithers.