Busy as a bee in November...

Ok, I couldn't find the molality of a solution when given the mole fraction..what's up with that? Oh well, yet another way to make myself look like an idiot....add it to the list I guess.
So yes I am quite happy with my boy, the good friend of mine who is of the male gender. I have decided he is definately one to keep around and I do so enjoy his company. We are more of a team, we have all these crazy stories running around in the head that combine chemistry and insanity. Its all so mind relaxing. =-) Ok, off to make a presentation, study for an extremely hard exam and a few hours of sleep. Enjoy your days off...cherish them with you life kimosabe as they come few and far between.

Curithers, I love you, you are always there for me and listen to me. I am sorry I have neglected you so.

Don't worry my love, after finals we shall sit down and have a nice chat over a lovely hot cup of tea, or two.

Four minutes is all it takes....

Ok, a four minute post....hmmm....(I am waiting on my macaroni to cook).....

Ok, here's the plan. I finish finals on the 8th of December, I get a hair cut on the 9th, and we leave on the 10th. I think we shall go to Canada and become pseudo-Canadians. I will fish for a living and he will be a bum, the challenge will be dressing him like one everyday. Live off fish and bread. Hmmm, then when we are sick of that we can go over to England and I can wait tables in a nice little tea shop/cafe and he can, er, uh, do what he likes. I haven't decided what he will do but it will be something. He could always teach (we can fake our degrees I am sure). Hmmm, what shall I take to wear though, I like to have my whole wardrobe so that I can be a bit on the creative side but a fisher woman can't have too many clothes. Oh and I can use the fish guts to make him smell worse as a bum! Cool, recycle the pieces.

Curithers, my boobs are sore. I didn't write a 4 minute post by the way....

My love, that can be caused by many a thing, but in you present state I should say it may be your medical condition causing such pains. Do take care and if it worsens, consider calling a physician. About the timing, you will get better in knowing the timing of your thoughts, it all just takes time this time business.

Lacking in some areas...

Ok, I need to perhaps get this out so I can continue with my studying. I have this enormous test on Tuesday and then later that day I have a presentation that I have to prepare and I can't concentrate on any of it! All I can think about it a very good friend of mine, I just would like to sit and make out with him. No more school, just making out. Forget finals. I say he is a friend because we are not dating yet and really we have never "kissed". We are just practicing now so it doesn't count. Once we kiss in the science building on the fourth floor then we will have "kissed" officially. I just think of how sweet he is and how I want to be around him all the time but then I keep remembering how poopish I will feel if I don't know what the heck I am doing on my test or my presentation. Errr. Decisions. I will be done in like a week and a half and so I can make out all I want then....ok, sounds good. Now if I can only get my brain to think that.

Thanksgiving eve

It is Thanksgiving eve and I am sad. I have lost a very good friend, perhaps my best friend. One I felt so connected to, despite our differences. I loved him. I loved his weird quirky things. I loved the way he love to do dorky things. I loved the way he would do gay things to make me laugh. I love the way his gifts to me were always small and seemed to be thought out. I loved the way he knew chemistry. I loved the way he was organized and could navigate on journeys. I loved his eyes, they were such a beautiful shade of green-blue. I loved his smile and the smile creases his face had when he would smile. I love how he would make me tea. I love how could answer most any question I asked him. I loved how he liked to eat all sorts of weird Asian food. I love how he was not a super macho-type. I love how he told me he loved me and told me he would miss me when he went to Germany. I love how he wrote me a love story with chemistry in it. I miss him. That friend, that soul mate, is dead now. I don't know who he is behind the lie. My soul aches when it thinks of him. It feels it cannot live without him yet something inside tells it, it has to, it can't just die like its mate has. It has to move on, it has to learn and live. Life is what we do, we learn from it and sometimes it hurts so much. Sometimes it seems to rip up apart but after we are stronger and more compassionate from living through it ourselves.

Curithers, the more I think about it though, there are quite a few things I didn't like. But this could just be my heart's way of protecting itself to an extent. I hate to cry and feel sad and torn apart but that is how I feel. I think I need to be true to myself and realize my grief for this dear friend is not over yet.

My love, grief is a lengthy process sometimes and just takes trudging through to get to the end. There will always be a place for him in your heart, you must accept that as well. You were deeply in love with this man, you should expect this to happen. Chin up my love, you are very much on your way to total truth to yourself.

Thanksgiving day thoughts

My update on my experiment to see how my feelings really were for that one person I mentioned a while back that I wasn't sure if I did have feelings for...the one I want to force into the conference room and make out with? Ok, well yes I do have actual feelings for him. Taahhdahh! Ok, well his company is so pleasant, I can completely be myself around him and I don't try to hide the weird and quirky things that make me up. I can be serious or be an idiot which is what I am most of the time. I can joke with him and he jokes with me and I don't feel afraid I am going to be lectured out of the blue on the "adult" approach to things. He seems to care about me and tells me I am pretty-dumb but if you don't feel it, its kinda hard. He makes me feel so beautiful and worth something to him. I am important to him which is something my previous long term relationship lacked. However childish and shallow it may seem, it is important in a relationship that both parties feel the other wants them and cares about them and will sacrifice other things to be with them or help them out. I am of course going to take it amazingly slow as why rush? I have at least 40 more years in me so what's the hurry? Oh he also likes kids and interacts very well with them which is important to me. He's so cute with them. Oh and he winks at me, why does that woo me so much? A simple wink makes me feel toasty and so comfortable with someone...well of course if a perverted old man winks at you then that is different. Ick...*shivers*. Ok well I shall go make some roasted potatoes now and I tried to make some bread so we shall see how that is rising. I followed the recipe but it was slightly fuzzy so I wasn't sure. Oh! My sister is coming today. This is a very very close sister that used to live with us when I was 13 so she has been a very important role in my growing up and maturing into who I am now. I love her and can't wait to see her and her two dogs: Annabell an Avery. They are coming to visit my dog Middy-poor Midnight is so lonely now, she only has cats to talk to. =-) Ok, well, there's my update. Happy Thanksgiving if anyone reads this or if not...Happy Thanksgiving to my computer! I need to name her sometime. She used to have a name but when my hard-drive died, she died with it and I have been reluctant to name my new one, its just so sad. =-) Adios muchachos!

Happy Thanksgiving Curithers! Will I see you today or are you spending it some other way?

My love, I am reading my Shakespear and having a glass of Merlot presently. Shortly I shall go to the pub and enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner in honor of you Americans....do have a lovely my dear...best wishes...

My thoughts as of today...

These are my thoughts since Sunday....

There was a message I heard about, well I can't even remember now, but the important thing through it was that I discovered that I am a rebellious child. I knew this to the extent of my earthly family and authorities but I never realized this toward my Father in heaven. I want to try to draw closer to Him and yet I still want to do certain other things. It like in my brain I compartmentalize things and certain acts or thoughts are done with the subconscious note that I realize this is not pleasing to my Father and yet I do it anyways. I feel that because I have this rebellious spirit that I do not have much of a right to pray to ask Him for anything. I am not willing to give it up presently which is odd. I have thought very deeply on this and I have been searching for my true feelings and as of now I want to remain the way I am. How awful is that to want something that is not what He would have for me-or His best. I am like a child content in his/her rebellion against their parents, unwilling to change. Does He have to show me the circumstances of my behavior more and more before I want to change and repent of this spirit or would that then just be remorse for the rebuke and not for the rebelliousness? I am quite confused on this and I am having a difficult time discerning what thoughts that are running through my head are from Him or are from the evil one. I know that if I was closer to my Father then I would be able to distinguish better. I am rather numb in the decision of this area. I feel slightly disappointed with myself that I don't care to change and yet I wonder if that is just who I am and that the way I feel this way is because I have been told that what I am feeling is wrong....awkward and odd sentence there.

Anyways, those are my thoughts and I thought better to have them on paper (or blog) so I can see how I progress in these thoughts.

Curithers, life is such a strange thing....its goes is such hills and valleys at times and is never considerate of school and finals...

My love, this is practice for the rest of your life. Also imagine what it would have been like without the One that loves you so....imagine a life not knowing Him. Isn't that so unimaginable that it would even be possible?

spelling

I must apologise for the horrible spelling in that last post! Oh well...now you know I can't spell. =-)

A very odd dream...

You know how you sometimes think of a dream all day and it bothers you and sometimes all it wanted was to be heard and then it leaves you? Ok, that is my goal of this post.....I am distressed by this dream. I don't know why but I am. Here it goes:

Ok, we were out in the middle of no in this house and I can't recall what we were doing, I did remember when I woke up but not now. We left and where traveling in this little car going up and over all these windy roads with bushes up to the edge of them. It was like when I was in England how it was out back. Anways we went to this special mall that was like an adult mall. I was nervous as to why it was an adult one. There were tons of people there who also wanted to get in and we all had to like sign papers and whatnot and it turns out they were going to pick certain people for something-we didn't know what. We go in and it looks like a normal mall except there is this huge screen with porn all over it and its like a live type thing. I began to feel uncomfortable and wanted to leave and whoever was with me didn't want to so I walked off. We got separated and I found this hall when all the administrative stuff was. Come to find out this whole thing was a cult type deal and they were trying to pick people to brainwash to join their sex-team. I was very scared and was trying frantically to get out and I saw of line of people who had been rejected and I slipped into that line and slipped out the back door. Then I realized, oh my gosh, my friends are still in there! I had to save them. One I know had already been brainwashed and was getting ready to go do some unnatural things in traning or something. She was walking around in a tiny pink top and tiny pink thong with fishnet hose on and high shoes. I tried to save her but I couldn't so I went to try to save the other friends who I think were guys. I had to try to dodge all the cultist leaders and workers as they all knew I knew now their plan-they removed the memory of everyone on the way out and those that stayed just disapppeared from normal life. It was more of a cult-brainwashed-sex-slave sorta thing and I got the impression eventually they killed you in some horrible way. Anyways, I was trying to find them but I kept finding myself outside again in this stable area with horses (it looked alot like the back woods of San Marcos). Then I woke up.

Dragons and tigers and mice

There once was a girl who was happy and in love. One day her prince left her alone in the woods and she was scared. She was frightened and didn't understand why he left her there all alone, telling here he would have wanted her for his wife if he had not left her. She was sad and weeped under the trees on the leaf covered ground until she could weep no more. She got up and stumbled from sitting for such a long time, never had she felt so alone and empty. I must mention that when the boy left her in the woods he magically reached in and grabed a chunk of her soul, equaling to approximately one half of it. So there she was left with only half a soul (he was her soul mate but it was just not to be by forces they could not see) and all alone. She wandered around the forest looking behind trees carefully trying to hide herself lest anything of harm should see her. She got bitten by a snake once and cried. This hurt and without an entire soul she could not fully console herself, she felt helpless and had to sit and cry again until she could cry no more. One day in the forest she met a funny little man in a dirty green cloak. He intriqued her and she watched him as he gathered his berries from the bush near her. He looked up at her and smiled and she felt something inside of her but it was terrifying and she immediately looked away. She could not help but think of him for the days following and the next day when she saw him picking nuts out of the dried autumn leaves, she talked to him. He was kind and had a gentle smile and invited her to dine with him. She accepted and spent many a day with him from there on but deep inside of her there was a purple spot. Now this purple spot was only compatible with a black spot for certain reasons best not said and she was unsure about this man's spot. It appeared slightly greyish but she couldn't tell. This greatly bothered her and she fought over it in her mind and the half a soul she had.....whatever would she do? She had grown to care for the man in green but the spot troubled her. Also she felt it a sacrilidge to her soul mate that hers could join up with another so soon...that too felt odd, almost like she was defiling something or like it would be picking the scab off of a wound prematurely. She was troubled about these things and pondered them....

Productivity? Me?

I finished a report!! And homework!! This means I was productive!! Woohoo! Ok, enough of that. But really its a big deal as I haven't wanted to do anything lately. Oh and I had to make a web page for a class and you wanna see it? Its a fun thing I got to make up for traveling. Here is it. http://www.tarleton.edu/students/st_charlton/ There, where do you want to go? Ok, that's all, I just thought I should note that I was productive. There is proof.

Curithers, I ate a hamburger like 5 hours ago and I feel like I still smell like it!

Hamburger my love? You must mean bean burger....silly vegetarian....try wiping your hands with alcohol? Do take care though in this process....

Stripes

No motivation. No interest. No care to do anything of the millions of things due. I want to run away overseas and learn a language and wait tables and read chemistry if I feel like it. No more do I want to be here. I may actually let alot slide this time. I don't care. I want to sleep for a month and a half, maybe two. Poop. Poop on it all. Can't I just run away?

Pain again from pears....

I read the blog of the one who hurt me a while back and I realized all of a sudden that I am still in a hateful mood towards them. How could they hurt me so? It is my immediate reaction to want to hurt them back and make them feel the deep pain they have caused me. His birthday is coming up and I had contemplated sending him a card and now I feel in my head I have shredded any hope of that....I feel angry and furious actually. WHY!?!?? Why must these things happen to us? Why did that person have to die? Why oh why? Why did I have to meet them and why did they have to pursue me and why did I have to fall in love with them and why? Why didn't they tell me and why did I give part of myself or I was willing to give all of myself to someone that unknowingly would wad it up in a ball and throw it in the trash. Why? I still ponder why, I know God you have purpose in all things and this may be something to make me more compassionate but it doesn't take away the pain. I feel my wound has been bandaged all this time and I would try to make light of it as I never had to look at the open wound every day and now I have taken off the bandages and see it again after so many weeks. It begins to hurt all over again....but then does that mean its in my head that it hurts or that I have just been busy and have not felt the full pain of it all? Whichever it is, I am in pain now and I feel crushed again.

Curithers, can there ever be an end to this? Will I ever be able to talk to him again without feeling like I am going to vomit from pain?

My love, it does take time, like all things, you need to greive.....its okay to be angry right now. The sadness is gone and now the anger has come, it is all a part of it. Take care my dear and know there is a reason and you will be a stronger person because of it.

Crazy eyes revealed!

Ok, I made mention of crazy eyes and here was an explanation of them during an episode last semester. I can't control when I get them, they just occur and they come at really weird times...very unpredictable. Anyhow, here ya go!

Uh oh, the crazy eyes came back. Let me explain the crazy eyes to this file. Crazy eyes occur when the pupils dilated to an unnatural size and the lids pop open uncontrollably and one feels as if they were someone else-possessed perhaps but not by anything of a bad nature-nor good either. More like an alter-ego perhaps, a different side of one that is subjected to denial or submission to prevent the revealance of it and the possible scaring of innocent bystanders. Yes, and all the crazy eyes make one’s voice into a different tone and accent, never the same as it was the previous crazy eyes time period. The eyebrows are also important. They give the eyes more character and a voice to speak what they are really thinking and feeling-as they are of course. Sometimes they feel seductive in nature and give off their best sultry looks. This specific case is the most unusual as it does not resemble what it tries to imitate, it resembles more of the eyes that are in unnatural pain or agony. That is another good reason why crazy eyes are not to be seen or displayed in public settings. Remember this note.

And here is a common ending of one such occurrence:

Note-to be continued…..another time. The crazy eyes are fading…..till we meet again my dearest…farewell and come quick!

Odd, Curither, how such strange things can come out of such sane moments. I have never known myself to be normal but this just justifies my claims to weirdom.

My love, I have known this and find it an admirable trait, how many people can keep themselves so occupied and interested with conversations going on in their heads?

More pea soup please...

What is it in us that makes us want to be taken care of when we are sick? I want someone to come and make me tea and sit with me and read to me and then tuck me and just be here for me. Being sick is a very lonely business when there is no one around to do this, trust me, I know. I hope it snows as well, that would be just lovely, absolutely lovely. White blanket of frozen water on the ground, solid H2O, that's what it is. Ouch, my body hurts, ok well that was my story for today. Oh by the way, the perfect PBJ is on wheat bread (not too heavy or nutty) with low fat crunchy pb (the texture is unreal!) and plum jam. Oh the jam must be homemade to achieve the desired full effect.

Curithers, I hurt and am tired.....whine whine whine.....

My poor love, have some tea as it is probably now cooled to just the right temperature and rest your eyes, sleep and give your body a chance to recover....its in a fight and it must be victorious.

Moods of the week

Its so odd to see yourself go through like stages your body goes through, more specifically, moods when the week of moods is on. Like I feel as if I am on the outside looking in...Wednesday I was (hmph) amorous shall we say, Thursday I was depressed and unmotivated, and Friday (today) I am cheery and social (tired but still nonetheless). Kinda like waiting to see what is tomorrow.....suspense! Ok, I must admit, the Wednesday mood did kinda carry into yesterday but not all of it.
Here are some interesting instances of each day:

Wednesday - I was in the office with a fellow student and we were talking to a professor and all of a sudden I want to shove the student into the next room (a conference room) and make out with him....forcefully....the thing that stopped me was the fact that umm, yeh, he might not appreciate that. What startled me was the force that I was set out to use if I had indeed proceeded....weird.

Thursday - Paige, a good friend of mine, is having a baby...a lovely little one named Lily. Well, she will graduate this semester and move about an hour and a half away so I was depressed that I wouldn't see her often....why worry about it now I say to myself? -of course this is Friday though....

Friday - If you know me this need no explaining; for any shoe hoppers or Shur Shiners that don't, I tend to be more "non-social" in this area...plus after only 2 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep, I should be ready to hit the sack...nope, not today! More weirdness I tell you!

Ok Curithers, now that I have bored you with my thoughts for the day....

My love, we all must learn to sit through things and graciously smile, for you though, my dear, I found your "instances" very interesting as you put it...very....

Cinnamon peanut butter and raisins

Ooo, how lovely, I tried this green tea from Japan and its wonderful. Very different, slightly nutty with a taste like the aftertaste of shredded wheat cereal. Mmmmm.

Ok so a half a week has been by and still I feel as I did like two posts ago, say Sunday or so. I truly hope it's just my weirdo brain out of wack but how on earth shall I knock it back into place? Anything drastic might knock any pertinent information needed out and then where would I be? Just as if I had never had any of my classes this semester. Oh and speaking of them, I am going to take differential equations (a math class) as it was recommended to me as a chemistry major I should have it. The odd thing is, from the two that recommended it to me, neither was able to tell me why it was a good idea, just that "it would be good for me as a chemist". So odd, I thought as you got older you had reasons for what you recommended (or more than I do now). Odd.

Ok, the peanut butter is not settling well with my horribly upset tummy and I have calculations to attend to.

Curithers, do you ever see me in the future losing my hair? It falls out in chunks now, what will happen in a few years?

Do not fret my love, if it does fall out, which is highly unlikely, you will wear amazingly beautiful hats and scarves and your head will always be warm.

Shur Shine Window cleaner-for all your ingrown toe nail needs...

P-chem makes you crazy. I had a test today and then spent about 5 hours in lab doing p-chem stuff so all in all that makes a whopping 11 hours studying, testing, and doing p-chem...just for today! It makes me very crazy. Example: in medicinal I wanted to yell out a funny joke and start laughing hysterically to myself (this I refrained from), I also referred to the topical approach of a drug and then went on to make inferences about a slightly perverted tangent of that...accidentally but nonetheless embarrassing (this unfortunately happened). I then had crazy eyes (maybe I will post a crazy eyes explanation and story one day) and wanted to run around the room screaming chemistry stuff...woe is me.

Now for more studying!

Oh Curithers, thank the heavens for blueberry green tea and small crisp kosher dill pickles...

My love, you have forgotten the infamous staple! Peanut butter...it is hurt with the thought that you forgot it, nevertheless it shall be there for you....smooth or crunchy-it all depends on you....

A far away island....

Oh, so sad today, I got invited to go to Cancun for free for a three day weekend....only problem is it was by this guy I don't know very well....well ok, I don't know him very well b/c I have one class with him and he is shy most of the time. We talk at least twice a week and he has the same major and he is super nice. Why can't he be someone I know better or just be a girl..either way would do! There goes my chance to be a lobster in the sun and to see some pretty Mexican beaches. Darn.

Ok, time to study for a test.

Do you think trick or treaters hold grudges? I didn't have candy so I gave out peanut butter crackers instead and they all looked very disappointed and uninthused. Poor dears.

Curithers! Where are you? I miss you!

Oh, hello my love, I have been reading the Tempest by William Shakespeare....quite an interesting one it is. You should definitely put it on your "to read" list for the break, instill some good culture in you-not that you lack it-but everyone can do with more. Trust me my dear.