Stick a knife in it and twist...

That is basically how I feel. I have been deceived and deeply hurt by someone whom I love with all my heart. It is like they are dead, it cannot be resolved in a normal manner, but they are still alive which hurts even worse. I have to now adjust myself to love this person as my friend and not as the one I have loved. I loved him in a way that I want to get old with him and have children with him and spend my life with him.....that has to all be erased. Circumstances do not allow for any of that now, I must simply love him as a person. Have you ever tried to change from that sort of love into a purely friendship one? It is so not easy. I mean, I don't even want a relationship with anyone if its not him. I seriously don't ever want to meet anyone, I couldn't bare to without thinking of him. I just see no future for me in that area.

I know I will grieve for several weeks if not longer, grieve for the loss of the person that I loved, the person I thought he was. God could have been using this for him or for me. I feel He has protected me and gave him a glimpse of normality (not that I am in any way normal of course) and perhaps he can see it is possible. I will continue to pray for him and for God to draw him in, showing him how much He loves him.

I can't but still feel so hurt, it is like my title says, a knife has been stuck into my heart, twisted, and yanked out. There is still enough there that I still deeply love the one who pierced it and care for them more than any person in the world other than my immediate family. It sounds so harsh but I want him to realize how much he has hurt me and see what he could have prevented if he had only revealed this sooner.

Life sometimes sucks is all I can say my Curithers...

My love, it does seem rather dim at times, but keep your chin up and realize you have an entire life still to live.....