Thanksgiving eve

It is Thanksgiving eve and I am sad. I have lost a very good friend, perhaps my best friend. One I felt so connected to, despite our differences. I loved him. I loved his weird quirky things. I loved the way he love to do dorky things. I loved the way he would do gay things to make me laugh. I love the way his gifts to me were always small and seemed to be thought out. I loved the way he knew chemistry. I loved the way he was organized and could navigate on journeys. I loved his eyes, they were such a beautiful shade of green-blue. I loved his smile and the smile creases his face had when he would smile. I love how he would make me tea. I love how could answer most any question I asked him. I loved how he liked to eat all sorts of weird Asian food. I love how he was not a super macho-type. I love how he told me he loved me and told me he would miss me when he went to Germany. I love how he wrote me a love story with chemistry in it. I miss him. That friend, that soul mate, is dead now. I don't know who he is behind the lie. My soul aches when it thinks of him. It feels it cannot live without him yet something inside tells it, it has to, it can't just die like its mate has. It has to move on, it has to learn and live. Life is what we do, we learn from it and sometimes it hurts so much. Sometimes it seems to rip up apart but after we are stronger and more compassionate from living through it ourselves.

Curithers, the more I think about it though, there are quite a few things I didn't like. But this could just be my heart's way of protecting itself to an extent. I hate to cry and feel sad and torn apart but that is how I feel. I think I need to be true to myself and realize my grief for this dear friend is not over yet.

My love, grief is a lengthy process sometimes and just takes trudging through to get to the end. There will always be a place for him in your heart, you must accept that as well. You were deeply in love with this man, you should expect this to happen. Chin up my love, you are very much on your way to total truth to yourself.