My thoughts as of today...

These are my thoughts since Sunday....

There was a message I heard about, well I can't even remember now, but the important thing through it was that I discovered that I am a rebellious child. I knew this to the extent of my earthly family and authorities but I never realized this toward my Father in heaven. I want to try to draw closer to Him and yet I still want to do certain other things. It like in my brain I compartmentalize things and certain acts or thoughts are done with the subconscious note that I realize this is not pleasing to my Father and yet I do it anyways. I feel that because I have this rebellious spirit that I do not have much of a right to pray to ask Him for anything. I am not willing to give it up presently which is odd. I have thought very deeply on this and I have been searching for my true feelings and as of now I want to remain the way I am. How awful is that to want something that is not what He would have for me-or His best. I am like a child content in his/her rebellion against their parents, unwilling to change. Does He have to show me the circumstances of my behavior more and more before I want to change and repent of this spirit or would that then just be remorse for the rebuke and not for the rebelliousness? I am quite confused on this and I am having a difficult time discerning what thoughts that are running through my head are from Him or are from the evil one. I know that if I was closer to my Father then I would be able to distinguish better. I am rather numb in the decision of this area. I feel slightly disappointed with myself that I don't care to change and yet I wonder if that is just who I am and that the way I feel this way is because I have been told that what I am feeling is wrong....awkward and odd sentence there.

Anyways, those are my thoughts and I thought better to have them on paper (or blog) so I can see how I progress in these thoughts.

Curithers, life is such a strange thing....its goes is such hills and valleys at times and is never considerate of school and finals...

My love, this is practice for the rest of your life. Also imagine what it would have been like without the One that loves you so....imagine a life not knowing Him. Isn't that so unimaginable that it would even be possible?