More proof of my mass of insanity....

This week

2007-07-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

This week has been filled with death and destruction. First I mercilessly murder a plate of my babies-my little cells and then the next day I unknowingly malnourish another plate, leaving them gasping for air and food-they did have plenty of water though-just no media (food).

Is it truly Thursday already?

I have a headache.

2007-01-18T10:45:00.000-08:00

I think the soy milk lovers of this world are being discriminated against! I mean really, where can you go and find soy milk on the menu? OTHER than a optional additive to your coffee...I mean do you go to a breakfast place and see chocolate soy milk as an option on the menu? NO! You do not. Soy milk lovers alike need to rise up and fight the cow-milk ingrained system.......refuse to be discriminated against......DEMAND SOY!!!!!

2007-01-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

So its been a very very long time since I last talked with you Curithers, I dare say too long in fact. So many things have happened and once again I have neglected you. Here is a little summary of what has elapsed in the past few months.

So getting married was the MOST stressful thing I think I have ever done but in a totally new type of stress....I would not recommend it to anyone unless you have money and can hire a planner, caterer, florist, and can have you own personal seamstress on hand at your beckoning call. Being married is another story, adjusting to having to live with someone is a major task. Not only is it strange, it is weird to be in the same house and not really feel connected to someone-the switch between having your own life and space to sharing this space and time is not really clean cut. Very odd is all I have to say.

Started grad school, its ok. I like teaching labs although I truly have no idea how to answer certain questions, it is a nice learning experience for me. We begin again tomorrow with a new semester and clean palate...I am setting goals for myself this semester on my classes: I would like an A in one class and a B in the other. I will of course settle for two A's but I am new at this goal thing. Of course I have long term goals but these smalls ones are a big step for me. I am going to begin to be on a semi-schedule which should increase the chances of obtaining my goal. We shall see.

Anyways that is pretty much up to date....I do hope there are no harsh feelings in my lack of communication.....

No no, my dear, never a harsh feeling. I do hope, though, that you will be able to achieve your newly set goals. Remain steadfast and concentrate but on the other hand, do try to continue to have fun with life-its the only you will have...take care my dear and until our next chat, farewell.
-Curithers

Once more arounds Caroline

2006-02-03T04:19:00.000-08:00

I have just come to a realization Curithers, after reading over my posts from last year.....
God has truly had some severe grace on me letting me get through my past year or so or really longer, I had severe downs and unbelievable stress no normal person should enocunter-unless you are a massicist we like to call chemists. He really has brought me out of mirey clay so to speak into a place where He has now reminded me of what He made me for and is asking me to come with Him and leave some unmentionables behind.

Pretty cool eh C?

My dear, it surely is.....this 'He' seems to do so much for you and love you so much. He really seems to care for you. Cherish and be joyous in what you have my dear....

Too long to tell.....

2006-02-03T04:03:00.000-08:00

Sooooo, Ummmm, yeh, hi.
Okay so its been longer than shit since I posted last, what can I say I have been dealing with a bunch of stuff-new boy (well he was new since the last shit head who dissed me), graduating as a smart person, and going to India...oh yeh throw in mass hours of 4 different jobs, so you see Curithers? Its been highly justified (I hope).
Currently I am in London recovering from being in India for about 4 weeks, it was great. I went with these people that are like my grandparents-they have an orphanage over there and I have always wanted to go. It was so cool and I love the kids.
We went to Bangalore (state of Karnataka) as our main central post ya know and then we went up to the state of Andrapradesh and way down south to Tirinuvelli and Donover (this is where Amy Carmicle established her orphanage). Too cool I must add. After like about 2 weeks of not really liking it but not totally hating it I decided I loved it and right now I miss it so much. All the crazy drivers, the head bobble of Indian people which is never quite a yes or a no-more of we will get something for you as you have money-kind of thing.
I did get some cool henna on my hands and wrists though so that was a neat bonus that I didn't think I would get.
Addy -a girl I had never met- went with as she knew the Brinkley's (grandparent people) and I was so freakin worried she wouldn't like me and she did. Just a tad of insecurity there but God prevailed as always-trust me He did wonders there.
Did you know Curithers that you can get Valium at the street pharmacys without a prescription for like 2 cents a tablet? Yeh I stocked up as it is great for anxiety....ahhhhh.....and sleeping. Heh, no I am not addicted and I haven't had one since I was around a certain annoying person in India a week back.
Anyways, to keep it short as I am sure my dear Curithers you have stuff to do.....I will head back to the states on Tuesday to see my boy whom I miss like a ton of bricks and my family and my cats and my bed....ooooo. I also go back to work though which sucks big time. Anyways, I will try to keep in touch more my dear friend, truly and very truly sorry for my lack of correspondance, although you know there is no lack of friendship.

Forgiven my love, you sound busy and I am eager to hear all your stories......take care darling and keep your chin up.
-Curithers

Ouch!

2005-07-22T11:18:00.000-07:00

You would think that if they were gone they wouldn't hurt as much-noooo siiirrrreeee. They hurt like nothing else and I think on top of it I am sick. Curithers! I want a hamburger! All this soft food is irritating!

My love, in a very short time you will be able to have all the solids you want but be careful for now, you will regret any solid you ingest-trust me.
-Curithers

Today I say goodbye!

2005-07-20T08:57:00.000-07:00

Today is the day... I finally say good bye to my four wisdom teeth, gooooood byeeeeeeeeee!You think they will give them to me to take home or what? Hmmm, okies well see you later teeth, I shall miss your crowding in my mouth and your pain in the middle of the night. Farewell....

You love me long time?

2005-07-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

Well well well....my dear Curithers, I know it has been an absurdly long time since I have had a chance to talk with you, I am oh so deeply sorry. Its just that having a boy around does indeed make things a little more, how shall I say this, full? Heh. Okies, well I will try to post more often. All well?

Yes my dear, all is fine, although I have missed your chats. Please do stop in from time to time, it makes life a little nicer.

Okies, so here's the deal. This summer I am doing research and being a bum-isn't it great? I think I could make a career out of it, sleeping in, watching family guy and robot chicken, cleaning my kitchen floor...Oh the floor! Oh my gosh I think I have completely gone insane on this one, I mopped it like 3 times the other day. Why? No apparent reason other than the fact that I was being obsessive compulsive. I find myself becoming more OC more each day. First it was running, then swimming, then eating macaroni for every meal, then brushing my teeth alllll the time, then eating cereal every meal. I find myself drifting into my own little quere world. Hmmm, Iwill probably be the old lady with a ton of cats-but they won't be cats will they? Nooo, they will be, duhn duhn duhnnnn, chemistry books! And I will have cereal bowls lying all over the house.

More news, I am gettin my wisdom teeth out on Wednesday so if I don't post anything (Curithers) from that time on, I have died under the knife. Actually I am very nervous, what if I wake up or they hit nerves they don't know are there? Or what if it bleeds and won't stop? And I will have bruised!!! Can I collect money for abuse? =-) All these questions will answers that will only be revealed on Wednesday. Until next time Scotty......

Hey hey hey

2005-06-12T20:22:00.000-07:00

Yeh! I am back! I have my own place and finally got a phone line so I can use my computer now. Whoohooo! Just a quick update, I am hungry and I think I will go and get something to eat-in my kitchen!!!! Heh, I just am happy. Okeys, gotta go. Love you Curithers!

Farewell my darling....

Yes yes, again, long time no talk

2005-05-17T03:45:00.000-07:00

So again, school has come between us. So sorry but I am wide awake at 3:30am and I just need to let off a little bit. I am worried about something that seems to be looming over my head and I can't but help to look at the negative side, I mean the positive one aspect is definately there but the negatives seem to just overwhelm the positive. Anyways, I am also lusting after chocolate cake. I have for the past few nights, fantasizing over the luscious 5 layers of moist brown cake with the whipped cream in between layers having melted and seeped into each of the bits of cake. The light brown icing that is not too sweet but definately chocolate and so rich yet light and oh I eat an entire piece without any hesitation, then I decide if I was satisfied enough or should I go for another. The pieces are slightly thin, not like the traditional huge american bust my belt portion. It is eaten with the little cake forks my mom has that are tiny three pronged silver, I can see how their shine is dulled by the chocolate icing. Mmmmmm, oh my gosh, see why I have been having nightly fantasies? Its so good. My mom would make it every so often and uh, bliss, heaven, fulfillment of my desires. Of course I will try to find a place tomorrow with such cake but it will only serve as a temporary serogate as when I return home (I am in Arizona) I will take on the real macoy of such a dessert and only then will I be truly satisfied-in the cake sense of course. Mmmmm, I can taste it right now, no wonder I can't sleep.

My dear, you may have an addiction. If you do manage to get some of this glorified cake, please my darling, I must test its superbness to see if it is as you say.

Long time no talk

2005-04-19T06:07:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, it has been so long since I wrote in my dear blog, I am sorry Curithers.

Noted. Forgiven, we all get busy my dear.

Thanks. Well lets see what's new.....umm I had a major loss of interest in school, dropped one of my majors (turned it into a supporting field), graduate in December, am being kicked out of Brinkley's (where I live) as they are moving the NM, my dog is sick and almost dying, and I have cramps. See, not much has changed! =-) I think I need to hire a personal massuese (sp is pitiful I know). This shall be my first act as queen of the bees, massages everyday to keep my relaxed and calm. Oh, well, boy is great. We have been through some tough shit lately but we are ok...we both are so sick of school and are both being sabatoged by other people at school with malicious gossip and rumors. I hate people that do this, just because she doesn't like him and I won't do as she says (control freak she is and I didn't give in-oops). Anyways, drama is all it is and I don't care for it. Anyways, I am off to be a mom this morning and takes kids to school after a lovely breakfast of doughnuts! Yeh! Gotta have something for them on TAKS day eh? =-) Adios Curithers.

Good bye my love and please, don't keep away so long next time, I do enjoy our talks.
Curithers

Prudent Coffee cup or Skanky tea cup

2005-02-17T07:38:00.000-08:00

I forgot my chapstick and I am seriously thinking of going home before class to retrieve it. My lips can't stand to be without it.

I have to pee but the bathrooms in the science building are so cold and my behind just it trying to persuade to hold it more.

When you are sick, tests do not go as well as possible. Think of this, I read over notes for one class like 3 time and I study for the other for copious hours and the one I read over the notes (a biology class) I made 8 points higher! Seems a bit odd if you ask me.

Those are my random ravings and rants for the day. Be happy and put on your chapstick-lucky you if you have it.

Curithers, I think I shall ignore the cold and go pee....curses to the temperature people in the bathroom!

Yes my love, that sounds as it would be a most wise decision for you to make.

V-day

2005-02-14T09:31:00.000-08:00

It's Valentines' day and ahhh yes...I do have someone that loves me. Why? I seriously don't know. Is it the crazy red hair that looks like a gigantic frizz most of the time? Or is it the oh so sexy attire that I wear, you know scrubs are awfully sexy in some cultures. Or could it be my culinary skills? I mean come on, not everyone can make a mean Kraft macaroni and cheese like I can....ooooweee baby! Well, it is still a mystery and shall remain for some time now. Perhaps by our shifted Valentines' day I might know. By shifted I mean that we will be celebrating it on like Thursday or Friday as both of us have special things for each other that have not been made yet or have not arrived in the mail. So for today I shall make love to my coffee, make out with it...ooo its so good. Heh, have some coffee and be happy!

Curithers, what are you doing for your Valentines' day?

My love, a true romantic does not reveal their secrects or ways. Take heart and have a lovely Valentine's day my dear.

three things

2005-02-03T21:49:00.000-08:00

Three things:

1. A very vial act I have performed, I ate a ham and cheese hot pcoket-no this was not tofu ham either. What a traitor I am. What a terrible terrible vegetarian I am. I went out and got some protein powder for shakes to make up for protein my body is asking for. What is this world coming to??!?!?

2. My brother left yesterday on a Navy ship for 6-9 months which I think is very sad. They do this about once a year or so (this long at least) but this time they are going to Iraq for 20 days. I have already been worried about him and now I am more. They are supposedly just supposed to be there to let their "presence be known" but still. I am worried.

3. I have hurt my finger and it is swollen and blue and the blood vessel is all puffy, I hope it doesn't pop. Its sore and I have absolutely no clue what I did. Swollen and difficult to move. Ouch, what if it falls off???

The park and the candy wrapper

2005-02-03T15:20:00.000-08:00

I don't even want to type I am so irritated. I just woke up late today-alarm didn't go off, I didn't get my coffee, did bad on a quiz, oh and on the way out the door I find out my car is dead so I hitch a ride from my bf and have to scrape ice off of everything and I am late for class....then I forget to take a shower when I came home (I had a few things to do while I was home) and on top of that I forgot to put on deoderant. Of course I smell like a flower no matter what but still. I go and start lab (boy took me back to school) and I was all into in and realized my list of possible compounds is like 20 long and I can't eliminate very many.
Boy left me to go home to study for a really hard test he has tomorrow and I am sad that I am alone. I am sad he is not here, I miss his presence. I am sad I will alone. I am sad that I am eating weird things that are not good for me but I don't want to eat healthy stuff. I am sad I have been drinking DP and I should not be as I am trying not to (well, not very well obviously). I am sad all I want to eat is pickles and cookies and I want coffee. I am sad that I don't have my own place in town and that boy doesn't live with me.
I have been feeling very dizzy all day, like I have to sit still while I float around for a bit, I don't like this thought at all...no sir-eee. Not one bit. I am getting fat as well. I am tired and I want to cry. What's up with this? This is pms symptoms, not post-ms stuff. Oh and hey on top of that all and to recap on one part-my car is still dead and I am stranded. Oh yeh. I am unmotivated and depressed. Wow, what a lovely uplifting blog this was. Go Jets.

Suddenly I realize...

2005-02-01T21:49:00.000-08:00

I am distressed my dear Curithers. Wanna know why? Well because I don't understand my DE class and we had a test Monday and I am buggered if I passed-translation: I think I didn't. I just don't get it really. Its not all the calculus either I am just like lost. I am going to go talk to him tomorrow about it but I seriously want to drop the class. I don't want to do it anymore and maybe I don't want a math minor. Maybe I just should have taken abstract algebra instead. Errr....I dunno. Who knows ya know?

Lighter note-literally-it was snowing this evening, big pretty flakes. They haven't begun to stick yet but they are pretty and I got to run around in them with my boy.

K, I am tired as I slept not very consistently last night, off to bed Curithers!

Night my love, sleep well and dream of nice fluffy snow!

Chemistry on a different level

2005-01-24T21:50:00.000-08:00

Oh dear, well I had a soda today, one with a ton of ice so really it wasn't much and then 3 sips of another....bad bad me but I did drink more water? I am of course in a silly and quite interesting state. I came home from class at 8:40pm and had an enormous glass of merlot with my parents and semi-grandparents (I didn't pour it myself, my semi-grandfather did) and whoa! Its been a really long time since I have drank anything and mann I am feeling it. I will sleep well tonight...geez I have had to stinkin fix so many spelling errors on this thing....k, no more. Let it all be as it may. Ok, I am off to bed and I just want to tell the world that my lovely friend boy is super sweet and I think I am keeping him around....at least until I am able to get a sample of his sperm and run it through the IR or Mass spec instrument to see what is in it...this has been a continuing fascination of mine, i even hve a vile to put it in. I can be like, ok, go in the bathroom and meet me here in 10 minutes, or whatever it takes. Thanks! K, that's the plan. Lets see if he'll agree to it, he's a chemist so really, why not?

Hiugs for you all.....

Turning over a new carbon-carbon bond

2005-01-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

Ok so I am trying to do something here for myself. I have quit drinking sodas and have been successful since uh, yesterday? I started on Friday so oh! Three days now! Woohoo! I am doing this as I think it is contributing to the slight flabby tummy I am seeing appear on my person. I have decided I might want to get my belly button pierced so this is a good incentive as well...I am still debating but I really would like to have it done, I have just come to a happy medium with my belly button so now would be the ideal time.

Also I saw the movie "secretary" last night and I found it very intriguing. It was about dominant/submissive types in sexual relations and it really got me thinking. I would love to read a secular/liberal book on this and then read a Christian version of the psychology of it all and if it is classified by bible-based people as in the same sort of group of things such as homosexuality or if it is really a normal thing that some people just prefer. I want to ask about a book from one of the elders I trust at church but I don't want him to get the wrong impression-whatever that may be. Anyways, that has been on my mind all day, I so want to read up on this. I have been seeing that the psychology of sexuality is very interesting and is extremely diverse, not to be perverted in any sense but I want to learn about it all, the why's and the what's. I want to learn and then help people....weird. A sex therapist....wouldn't it be kinda satisfying? (no pun intended I promise) Like to help people with a part of their lives that to some is so super private that they can't even explain these concepts and things and thoughts to their children for their own maturity-mentally and physically? Ok, off my soapbox but yeh, you are my blog and that is what you are for so there!

Curithers, I feel as if I am constantly finding out more about myself and more of what I am interested in....its crazy. I thought after 21 years I might know more of who I am but really I don't!

My love, this is a continual journey which you must endeavour on...enjoy it as when you know everything about yourself, what is left to discover?

Art-sey or just plain weird?

2005-01-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Today I went for the "Artsey" look with my wardrobe, I am wearing odd enough clothes but the main bit is the purple scarf I have draped in a nice fashion around my head...it looks very original and I like it. I also didn't wear a brazziere today and I think I may regret it as it is slightly cold outside and I didn't bring a sweater or jacket with me, only the cardigan I have over my shirt, poor boobs, so sorry that you will be cold today-I truly am. Ok, off to so some work and get coffee before heredity-such a great class, its alot of fun.

Adios Curithers!

Farewell my love, take care this fine day and do try to stay warm....

Oh Sheridan, what ever is the matter?

2005-01-19T18:51:00.000-08:00

I am so sorry! I am still neglecting you! Ok, I will try to be better but no promises ok? Ok.

I got a ticket yesterday, like a speeding ticket....I was driving to see ma'boy and I was like, hmm, I want to go fast and see how fast I can go. Sho'nuff, as I come flying over a hill a cop passes me the other way and turns, crapit! Serves me right, I was being deliberately rebellious and I saw the consequences quite fast. That was yesterday when I was also in a nasty mood, very critical and mean (pmsy really) and then I became very clingy and couldn't stand to be alone, hence my going to see the boy and getting a ticket.

Last night I had about 6 different weird dreams, all very distressing, after each of which I woke up and proceeded to talk about it. The one that got me the most and which I have been pondering all day is one where I delivered a baby and the mother wasn't ready to accept it and me being the first person to touch the baby, the baby thought I was its mother. Well it grew to think of me as the mother and I was so happy and I cleaned and dressed her and held her and fed her and everything and then the mom decides she is mature enough to have it back (she was a young mother) after like a few weeks and I am devastated, like I know the baby is better off with her but I am heartbroken and the baby doesn't recognize her as her mother and cries and its so terribly hard for me. Weird huh?

One other was that this prof at school which is such a nasty man decided to quit and I was so excited as now I could take p-chem from a different prof and the whole interviewing process was being undertaken to find a new physical chemist..this was a good one-odd though as it was so real.

Another one I was being molested, how horrid is that? Thankfully I can't recall all of the details now which I could this morning and if I did I wouldn't write them anyways. It was very distressing.

The others I don't recall as well but mann, what a night. Then I kept shivering with like three blankets on and never could get warm although the room was kinda toasty. Menopause? Oh also, I am getting fatter! I had lost 20 pounds and any sort of appetite I had and now I just want to eat chocolate and snickers bars all day long (probably pms-which could add to the weight gain). UH! How depressing is that?! I had someone tell me I didn't look as skinny as I did last time I saw them, she was trying to be nice as she was worried that I was wasting away and that I never ate but still. Wow, so I look fatter, hmmm, nice.

So to sum it up: weird weird freakin weird dreams (more than normal), shivers or too hot, getting fat!!! =-( , gaining appetite back again (poop it is), irritated with innocent bistanders ready to tear their heads off, clingy to boy and lack of desire to be alone (weird for me), and rebelliously speeding. Curithers, you think a 1/4 life crisis?

My love, perhaps you are going to have twins? Or better yet, quintuplets! Either that or you are just going through menopause....

What has occurred...

2005-01-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

Oh my poor blog, I am sorry I have neglected you so, I have a confession to make. It's really hard to say this but, but, oh I am so sorry, please forgive me! I have unfaithful with another blog and I am sorry! Perhaps that is why I can't sleep, I am thinking of cheating on you, my dear blog, with another. Terrible I am I know it. Can you ever forgive me? If so, here is what's going on.

School seems to go pretty well, I enjoy seeing the boy everyday for at least lunch. I think my brain appreciates that I am using it once again.

I got all mooshy to a clingy extreme when a friend of mine brought her baby in-6 weeks old! I watched her move and I felt her in her tummy all last semester every day and now she is born and is beautiful and I am longing for my own. I am sad though as I was recently given advice from a prof with kids that I should wait to go to grad school until my kids are 5 or same as I have none right now, wait to have kids till I am done-that's like 6-7 years! I am sad! I will be what, 28? Good grief! And then I get all anxious and I think, what if I am not very fertile and I can't have kids? Heaven forbid that?!?! Well I could always adopt but I wanted a baby with my genes and stuff, to be weird like me and to have pretty eyes like their dad-whoever he is he has pretty eyes I guarantee it. Anyways so yeh.

I TA-ed an organic 2 lab today which means that I help them out, answer questions, make sure they don't blow themselves up and grade. I am kinda excited and nervous as if the labs ever go past 6 pm-which they often do-I will be in charge of the lab as the instructor has to go home to her kids....wow, I will be in charge! Mann, a little power goes a long way.... WHAHHAHAHAHA WHAHAHAHA (evil laugh if you didn't catch on).

Ok Curithers, will you forgive me?

......

Curithers? Oh please? Ok, I deserve it, I will give you space and time....I'm sorry if that helps.

2005-01-09T19:07:00.000-08:00

Ah yes, back into the horrid grind of school and no life tomorrow, ugh. I have a headache already thinking about getting up for 8 am glasses five days a week-ick. These aren't the kind you can just skip if you feel like it either, it would be death if I did....Biochem 2 and Differential Equations (translation: really hard really time consuming math class). I want to run away again, I like that idea of moving where no one knows me, just me and perhaps one other person as I mean some company would be nice. I am super burned out with school and rightly so as I should be graduating this semester if I was any normal person but noooo....have to over achieve eh? Huh? Huh? You complaining girl? Hmmmm? Who is doing this to herself? Hmmm? Ok, enough ragging on myself, time for bed. Its freaking 7:05 pm here! I need some sleep! Watch me be awake until like midnight sitting here just thinking and worrying about school-blast it.

Talk to you later Curithers.

Sleep well my love, rest your eyes and brain for the last time for approximately four months of hardship and death. Four months of strain and neverending homework and late nights doing it and no social life or no life at all for that matter. Four months of a date consisting of working late in the lab and getting a bite to eat before you each go home to their beds and pass out. Yes my dear, sleep very very well.

Geez, thanks Curithers, so so so....encouraging you are.

What took place....

2005-01-09T10:05:00.000-08:00

Ok so I didn't sleep for 3 days but soon after my post I feel into a very very deep sleep and awoke at 6:30 am in the very same position and place that I fell asleep, lovely sleep it was. I did of course after that initial deep sleep fall asleep again and was awoken with various delusions of people talking to me and handing me stuff-specifically keys in this case. I had to look when I woke up to make sure they were not near me where the "person" left them-they were no where to be found of course. I must also not that I when I got out of bed this morning I arose with such umph and energy and spunk that you would think I just drank 10 cups of coffee or an equal amount of dr. pepper. I must say, that was very good stuff.

Curithers, off to church after I go and brush and floss my teeth two times....more would be lovely but time is of the essence.

My love, you really do have an addiction to oral hygeine. It is wise of you not to brush them more than 3 times a day as you might become obsessive compulsive but be careful, you seem very near to it.

Delusions of Grandeur

2005-01-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

Ok ok, so I am a tad bit too hopeful. I try to go to bed at 10:30 thinking of all the lovely sleep I will get and then I can wake up at 7 or 8 and do pilates and have a shower and eat breakfast and get ready for church and life is good, right? Wrong. I get into bed and realize I can't sleep and I am wide wide awake. These blasted dreams and I am delusional as I am seeing and hearing things that are not there....weird. I am not going crazy just yet, I think. That will come about two months from now for sure. Ok, so I took a sleeping tablet under parental advisory and we shall see what it does, usually sleeping pills don't affect me much but this one is prescription so I hope it works. If it works too well and I am in a deep sleep for a week or so I will miss classes and will not get to talk to a few people so here are my words to them:

Boy-snails to you, tons and truckloads of snails to you-but you already knew that
Ging-the chicken has flown, make sure he stays in the air girl
Library Mafia-the boy will pay off my debt that I owe, he is now in charge of my affairs
Spot-how I adore you my sweet, you have been such a great friend, take care until I wake in a few days and do remember to fetch the paper every day

Heh, that almost sounded eulogyish you know it? That is only on the account that I sleep for like 3 days or something like sleeping beauty but without the beauty. Hey, can I have lilies by my bed when I wake up? Can that be arranged? Can it? Hmm? Hey, you there, boy! Arrange it and tell Georgie and Bacon Boy that they owe me 20 grand in chemistry books and 10 in cookies and they have to give it to you by Wednesday otherwise I will sick ma'boys on 'em when I wakey wakey. Gotcha boo, yo be a pimpin wich me now.

Dr. Pepper and Tea

2005-01-08T18:34:00.000-08:00

I am all fine and dandy today. I had a nice day spending some time with my parents and I cooked alot and I cleaned and organized a bunch of stuff in my sty....ahhhh. Feels nice. Ok, that is just an update so my poor blog does not think I am still upset with it. Oh one last thing, this is really weird. Lately I have been waking up from dreaming and I am talking or I am reaching for something. Well this morning I clearly heard the door bell ring and I jumped out of bed, threw something more decent on, and ran to the front door to find no one around and no one else heard it so I was dreaming. This was really weird. One morning I woke myself up saying "no!" and the grabing thing? I am constantly waking up as I am grabing for someone's hand or for something and its not there. Very weird-must be the singular as I have had vivid dreams ever since I began it-like super weird dreams and I wake up and can't distinguish what was real and what was not. Very very strange.

Curithers, I like things in order-even if it is all in piles as long as its piles that I know what they are.

Yes my love, many people do take comfort in orderliness but most find that an organized mess is not as pleasing as you seem to.

Please don't be alarmed...its only a mood and shall pass

2005-01-07T23:14:00.000-08:00

I am feeling very violent presently...I can't find squat I want to eat and I am hungry and I am irritated that what I want to eat is not in my present sphere. I am also very irritated at everything in general. I am feeling horribly mad and irritable and insensative. The violent tendency I talk about is not physical violence but more of a violence that I could really hurt someone verbally as I am cold and feelingless. I suppose I am not feelingless as I am feeling irritation and anger but I am feelingless when it comes to compassion and love presently. I want to yell at a certain person who does not live in this town and tell him what I think of him still as I haven't done it to this date. I have kept composure however so hard it has been. When I think of him I have to dismiss it and when I talk to him or get a message from him I want to curl up in a little ball in tears and scream and pull my hair. I realize how hateful I am still to this one, I seriously feel severe hate. How terrible that is. When will it finally leave me and stop taunting me? I need to move far away but will that really let me forget all that reminds me of him? I think not, everytime I think of physics or physical chemistry or asian culture or anime or computers or overseas traveling or anytime I feel demeaned or feel like someone looks down on me or anytime I think of bisexuals I will be hurt and bombarded with these terrible feelings. They are so sneaky as they creep up on me from time to time when I think they have subsided they come and rear their ugly heads reminding me they have not left me.

I need sleep Curithers.

Yes my love, sleep and drift into a mood dominated by relaxation and calming rain storms. Dwell on the drops falling from God's vast sky onto the soft green leaves of the euycalyptus plant in your window, that is its fantasty, enjoys its dreams and sleep my love, sleep soundly.

Financial aid sucks

2005-01-07T11:25:00.000-08:00

Can I just take this time presently to rag on financial aid? Ok, thanks.

Okies, for one thing if they want my money so much then why don't they let me pay my tuition when my financial aid comes in and why does it only come in a month after school has started? Hmmm? What is up with that? They want me to take out a short term loan until my other loan comes in....what? Oh oh, I almost forgot, I can of course just pay half of my tuition today and then pay the other half later in the semester...umm if I had that money would I need a loan? Hmmm? Hmmm? Smarty pants that they are.

Oh also, what do you think they will do to me for having a library book out for more than a month overdue? Think they will hang me from my thumbs or my middles toes as a lesson to all other students that might get daring enough to keep a physical chemistry book out so long...I will be a sign to the ages of what will come from this great establishment. Perhaps I can just cough up the 5 cents a day late fee and they will forgive me....what is that for 30 days, uh lets see miss math minor. I am figuring like ooo man, a whole $1.50, shame on me for hiking up such a bill. Whatever shall I do? I must go now and auction off some of my prize belonging on Ebay to account for such a loss. My brain and thirst for knowledge sometimes comes at such a cost....sigh.

Curithers, (sigh again), sooner or later I will be living out of a box.

My love, then you can move closer to the school and you wouldn't have to worry about gas costs or rent. It would all work out for the benefit of your brain my dear, trust me....your grey matter is thanking you for this.

Alone in a house with 8000 people

2005-01-06T19:43:00.000-08:00

Odd, isn't it, that when someone is upset with you the entire air seems thick with it. I feel as if I am in this house alone, they wanted me to be home for a bit to see them but then they sit in their room doing who knows what and I in mine cleaning out school stuff. I feel very strange, almost and ethereal feeling if that can be felt. I think this also has to do with the fact that I start school again on Monday and I am not looking forward to being disciplined. I want to just be a normal person for a bit longer, no stinking hard classes that eat away at you slowly as you are still alive and just become more and more delirious as the time goes on. I want to settle down, have kids and take care of them. I want to clean my house and think of cool things to do with my kids and I want to think of new recipes and cook. I want to make scavenger hunts for my kids and bake with them and read with them and play games with them. Wow, what motherly older-than-I-am thoughts I am having. Oh by the way, I also want to move from this horrid place far away. Why you ask? I need to break free and its so hard when I am remaining where I am in the old grind of things. I want to go on an adventure, whether it be traveling or just moving somewhere new and settling. I want to explore the new streets and browse through new stores and just see new things. I am not content being here where I am. I want to go and explore.

Curithers, doesn't everyone feel this? How is that people can be satisfied just living in one place all their lives? I am so totally and utterly abhor this idea!

My love, some people have a difficult time thinking about anything outside of what they know. It is comfortable to them and they thrive on comfort. You on the other hand love change and love new things to explore, that is why you are in chemistry. You will never know all there is to know about it and therefore it keeps your interest and you will continue to explore its vast expanses....all these great things that God has created for us to learn and discover.

Weird oddidities

2005-01-01T23:09:00.000-08:00

Its so weird, all day I have felt very spacey and very sensative to weird things. Here they are in not so much order:

1. Went with friends to steak house to eat, couldn't find but like one thing on the menu to eat and felt like ranting and raving out and running around like a crazy woman protesting for animal rights....I wanted to yell at the people and write in to the manager telling how I think it is awful that these poor cows and chickens have suffered just so people can eat a "texas-like" meal. Ugh, it makes me sick.

2. Was seriously terrified that I might move to a place to go to grad school in a place without grass...whatever will I do? Oh my gosh, it would be horrid!

3. I wanted to beat up people at the mall that were in my way or looked at me weird.

4. Got paranoid about if boy gets bored with me, asked him and he reassures me he would just put me in the dumpster-heh....translation, he wouldn't.

Ok so that's only a part of it but yeh, it goes on. Anyways, I think its post-menstral-syndrome....the depressing-very dazy-drunken like-overly sensative mood.

Curithers, I am tired and I feel numb, again. Why does this happen so often?

My love, you need to do some pilates or yoga, it will clear your mind and your body will feel stretched and relaxed. Try it my dear.

Call me potato head

2004-12-28T14:45:00.000-08:00

Ok ok, I am alive, not dead, but my computer has been very ill for a very long time and she is just now up and running. Some hot boy I snatched got her to work right and finally she is done. Hallelujah!

My cousin from South Africa came to visit-quite a nice one, now I know I have nice cousins-heh, this is a new thing for me.

So I am officially tied to boy which means I am not officially dating boy but I officially wear his twisty tie as a ring on my right finger. This is all very technical yet all very simple.

Ok, I must go as my tummy is telling me it didn't appreciate the fish and chips I tried to consume earlier-I was expecting full out english chips and fish and sadly I was diappointed with fish stick type things. Hmmm, very different.

Curithers, remember to note that Americans make crappy fish and don't serve lovely peas with them either.

My love, I thought you knew this already, how silly of you to forget such an important issue that plagues this western colony to the present day. Take care my darling.

Finally! The asparagus hatched!

2004-12-14T04:39:00.000-08:00

Finally now, I can post. My lovely dearest computer was sick for such a long time and now it is fixed but seems not to fancy my blog page. Who knows.
Well all is well with boy. Girl could not be happier as he lay here in my arms fast asleep with his lovely eyes...oh wait, was that my outside voice? Perhaps that was my mind thinking what it might like for if he was lying in my arms, how on earth would I type? True, true, this must all be thought out oh dear Curithers....

I am sick. I have a stuffy nose and a sore throat and my neck glands hurt and I can't sleep, hence me posting at like the ungodly hour of 4:30 am. Drinking my tea-cinnamon today, the boy got it for me to try, not a bad choice I must say. I usually don't like cinnamon flavored drinks but this is really lovely. Oh and did you know that Central Market makes lovely tortillas? Yep they do.

Yesterday the boy and I went to the mall and looked around and went to a few other stores. I wore my normal odd attire and you know how many funny looks I got? I mean ok, be a little more non-chalant about it. This is what I was wearing, you be the judge: maroon fuzzy tights, brown cloggish type shoes, a dress to my knees (cream with flowers on it, maroon, purple, green, and blue), and a green pullover sweater on top. Oh and a blue undershirt which you could see out the neck of my shirt. It really wasnt' all that weird.....just everyone else thinks I should look like them I suppose, what would be the fun in that? Hmmm??

Curithers, I do not understand people, the go into a store and buy exactly what is on the manequin in the window, why not be creative and make up your own outfit using that as a possible guide or be brave and do something totally different?

My love, some people are not comfortable with their own personal taste while others just don't know exactly what it really is. Take care oh dear one, people will eventually understand.

Purple Asparagus and Green tea

2004-12-02T20:02:00.000-08:00

Blah. I have one more paper to write for this evening and then I will be done until Sunday-with papers at least. Sunday I have to write 2 papers but hey, that's a new week.
Finals just kill me every time. My body is like in rollover mode, it is just rollingover the minutes that I have lost from sleep and is converting them into sanity-something I lack very much presently. I am glad though that I have someone to help me release that insanity, poor people that don't have a boy like mine. He is wonderful. Very sleepy, poor baby, and very tired. He needs to sleep a few days to catch up for the semester. Ok, off to write my paper on Fentanyl Citrate-commonly called....Actiq. Its a cool one, you should read up on it.

Curithers, I am finally nice and warm.

That's lovely my dear, now you are ready to write you paper so go, write away!

The boy

2004-12-01T20:03:00.000-08:00

Ok ok I should be doing a report that was due today but hey, I have all night, come on....gimme a break. =-) Here is the deal:

-Ok so we are not dating...we are just super good friends....very very good friends

-I have never kissed him, I have only actually ever practiced with him...its not kissing until its done in the science building on the fourth floor in the little room with a shower and a couch...

-I don't hold his hand, its called warming a poor boy's hands as they have poor circulation due to early childhood frostbite, more of a sympathy/lets help those in need sort of thing

-I don't ever ever ever grab his butt in a seductive way, I am mearly helping him get over his past trauma of a previous relationship telling him he didn't have one, its therapy-remember this, its all for his good because I care

Ok, so those are basically the rules here, oh and I almost forgot...

-I have never pushed him onto my bed wanting to make out with....this is a commonly thought mistake.....he fell backwards when he tripped and then I saw he had a piece of doughnut on his lip and it was going to fall on my lovely duvet cover on my bed so I lept on him to lick it off before my bed was destroyed....it was all very dramatic and emotinal....

Curithers, does this clarify for you anything that may have been fuzzy?

Yes my love, it sure does, completely. You are oh so wise to rectify your actions and what a caring person you are.....

=-)

Busy as a bee in November...

2004-11-29T19:38:00.000-08:00

Ok, I couldn't find the molality of a solution when given the mole fraction..what's up with that? Oh well, yet another way to make myself look like an idiot....add it to the list I guess.
So yes I am quite happy with my boy, the good friend of mine who is of the male gender. I have decided he is definately one to keep around and I do so enjoy his company. We are more of a team, we have all these crazy stories running around in the head that combine chemistry and insanity. Its all so mind relaxing. =-) Ok, off to make a presentation, study for an extremely hard exam and a few hours of sleep. Enjoy your days off...cherish them with you life kimosabe as they come few and far between.

Curithers, I love you, you are always there for me and listen to me. I am sorry I have neglected you so.

Don't worry my love, after finals we shall sit down and have a nice chat over a lovely hot cup of tea, or two.

Four minutes is all it takes....

2004-11-28T16:36:00.000-08:00

Ok, a four minute post....hmmm....(I am waiting on my macaroni to cook).....

Ok, here's the plan. I finish finals on the 8th of December, I get a hair cut on the 9th, and we leave on the 10th. I think we shall go to Canada and become pseudo-Canadians. I will fish for a living and he will be a bum, the challenge will be dressing him like one everyday. Live off fish and bread. Hmmm, then when we are sick of that we can go over to England and I can wait tables in a nice little tea shop/cafe and he can, er, uh, do what he likes. I haven't decided what he will do but it will be something. He could always teach (we can fake our degrees I am sure). Hmmm, what shall I take to wear though, I like to have my whole wardrobe so that I can be a bit on the creative side but a fisher woman can't have too many clothes. Oh and I can use the fish guts to make him smell worse as a bum! Cool, recycle the pieces.

Curithers, my boobs are sore. I didn't write a 4 minute post by the way....

My love, that can be caused by many a thing, but in you present state I should say it may be your medical condition causing such pains. Do take care and if it worsens, consider calling a physician. About the timing, you will get better in knowing the timing of your thoughts, it all just takes time this time business.

Lacking in some areas...

2004-11-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, I need to perhaps get this out so I can continue with my studying. I have this enormous test on Tuesday and then later that day I have a presentation that I have to prepare and I can't concentrate on any of it! All I can think about it a very good friend of mine, I just would like to sit and make out with him. No more school, just making out. Forget finals. I say he is a friend because we are not dating yet and really we have never "kissed". We are just practicing now so it doesn't count. Once we kiss in the science building on the fourth floor then we will have "kissed" officially. I just think of how sweet he is and how I want to be around him all the time but then I keep remembering how poopish I will feel if I don't know what the heck I am doing on my test or my presentation. Errr. Decisions. I will be done in like a week and a half and so I can make out all I want then....ok, sounds good. Now if I can only get my brain to think that.

Thanksgiving eve

2004-11-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

It is Thanksgiving eve and I am sad. I have lost a very good friend, perhaps my best friend. One I felt so connected to, despite our differences. I loved him. I loved his weird quirky things. I loved the way he love to do dorky things. I loved the way he would do gay things to make me laugh. I love the way his gifts to me were always small and seemed to be thought out. I loved the way he knew chemistry. I loved the way he was organized and could navigate on journeys. I loved his eyes, they were such a beautiful shade of green-blue. I loved his smile and the smile creases his face had when he would smile. I love how he would make me tea. I love how could answer most any question I asked him. I loved how he liked to eat all sorts of weird Asian food. I love how he was not a super macho-type. I love how he told me he loved me and told me he would miss me when he went to Germany. I love how he wrote me a love story with chemistry in it. I miss him. That friend, that soul mate, is dead now. I don't know who he is behind the lie. My soul aches when it thinks of him. It feels it cannot live without him yet something inside tells it, it has to, it can't just die like its mate has. It has to move on, it has to learn and live. Life is what we do, we learn from it and sometimes it hurts so much. Sometimes it seems to rip up apart but after we are stronger and more compassionate from living through it ourselves.

Curithers, the more I think about it though, there are quite a few things I didn't like. But this could just be my heart's way of protecting itself to an extent. I hate to cry and feel sad and torn apart but that is how I feel. I think I need to be true to myself and realize my grief for this dear friend is not over yet.

My love, grief is a lengthy process sometimes and just takes trudging through to get to the end. There will always be a place for him in your heart, you must accept that as well. You were deeply in love with this man, you should expect this to happen. Chin up my love, you are very much on your way to total truth to yourself.

Thanksgiving day thoughts

2004-11-25T01:09:00.000-08:00

My update on my experiment to see how my feelings really were for that one person I mentioned a while back that I wasn't sure if I did have feelings for...the one I want to force into the conference room and make out with? Ok, well yes I do have actual feelings for him. Taahhdahh! Ok, well his company is so pleasant, I can completely be myself around him and I don't try to hide the weird and quirky things that make me up. I can be serious or be an idiot which is what I am most of the time. I can joke with him and he jokes with me and I don't feel afraid I am going to be lectured out of the blue on the "adult" approach to things. He seems to care about me and tells me I am pretty-dumb but if you don't feel it, its kinda hard. He makes me feel so beautiful and worth something to him. I am important to him which is something my previous long term relationship lacked. However childish and shallow it may seem, it is important in a relationship that both parties feel the other wants them and cares about them and will sacrifice other things to be with them or help them out. I am of course going to take it amazingly slow as why rush? I have at least 40 more years in me so what's the hurry? Oh he also likes kids and interacts very well with them which is important to me. He's so cute with them. Oh and he winks at me, why does that woo me so much? A simple wink makes me feel toasty and so comfortable with someone...well of course if a perverted old man winks at you then that is different. Ick...*shivers*. Ok well I shall go make some roasted potatoes now and I tried to make some bread so we shall see how that is rising. I followed the recipe but it was slightly fuzzy so I wasn't sure. Oh! My sister is coming today. This is a very very close sister that used to live with us when I was 13 so she has been a very important role in my growing up and maturing into who I am now. I love her and can't wait to see her and her two dogs: Annabell an Avery. They are coming to visit my dog Middy-poor Midnight is so lonely now, she only has cats to talk to. =-) Ok, well, there's my update. Happy Thanksgiving if anyone reads this or if not...Happy Thanksgiving to my computer! I need to name her sometime. She used to have a name but when my hard-drive died, she died with it and I have been reluctant to name my new one, its just so sad. =-) Adios muchachos!

Happy Thanksgiving Curithers! Will I see you today or are you spending it some other way?

My love, I am reading my Shakespear and having a glass of Merlot presently. Shortly I shall go to the pub and enjoy my Thanksgiving dinner in honor of you Americans....do have a lovely my dear...best wishes...

My thoughts as of today...

2004-11-23T21:03:00.000-08:00

These are my thoughts since Sunday....

There was a message I heard about, well I can't even remember now, but the important thing through it was that I discovered that I am a rebellious child. I knew this to the extent of my earthly family and authorities but I never realized this toward my Father in heaven. I want to try to draw closer to Him and yet I still want to do certain other things. It like in my brain I compartmentalize things and certain acts or thoughts are done with the subconscious note that I realize this is not pleasing to my Father and yet I do it anyways. I feel that because I have this rebellious spirit that I do not have much of a right to pray to ask Him for anything. I am not willing to give it up presently which is odd. I have thought very deeply on this and I have been searching for my true feelings and as of now I want to remain the way I am. How awful is that to want something that is not what He would have for me-or His best. I am like a child content in his/her rebellion against their parents, unwilling to change. Does He have to show me the circumstances of my behavior more and more before I want to change and repent of this spirit or would that then just be remorse for the rebuke and not for the rebelliousness? I am quite confused on this and I am having a difficult time discerning what thoughts that are running through my head are from Him or are from the evil one. I know that if I was closer to my Father then I would be able to distinguish better. I am rather numb in the decision of this area. I feel slightly disappointed with myself that I don't care to change and yet I wonder if that is just who I am and that the way I feel this way is because I have been told that what I am feeling is wrong....awkward and odd sentence there.

Anyways, those are my thoughts and I thought better to have them on paper (or blog) so I can see how I progress in these thoughts.

Curithers, life is such a strange thing....its goes is such hills and valleys at times and is never considerate of school and finals...

My love, this is practice for the rest of your life. Also imagine what it would have been like without the One that loves you so....imagine a life not knowing Him. Isn't that so unimaginable that it would even be possible?

spelling

2004-11-20T16:30:00.000-08:00

I must apologise for the horrible spelling in that last post! Oh well...now you know I can't spell. =-)

A very odd dream...

2004-11-20T16:27:00.001-08:00

You know how you sometimes think of a dream all day and it bothers you and sometimes all it wanted was to be heard and then it leaves you? Ok, that is my goal of this post.....I am distressed by this dream. I don't know why but I am. Here it goes:

Ok, we were out in the middle of no in this house and I can't recall what we were doing, I did remember when I woke up but not now. We left and where traveling in this little car going up and over all these windy roads with bushes up to the edge of them. It was like when I was in England how it was out back. Anways we went to this special mall that was like an adult mall. I was nervous as to why it was an adult one. There were tons of people there who also wanted to get in and we all had to like sign papers and whatnot and it turns out they were going to pick certain people for something-we didn't know what. We go in and it looks like a normal mall except there is this huge screen with porn all over it and its like a live type thing. I began to feel uncomfortable and wanted to leave and whoever was with me didn't want to so I walked off. We got separated and I found this hall when all the administrative stuff was. Come to find out this whole thing was a cult type deal and they were trying to pick people to brainwash to join their sex-team. I was very scared and was trying frantically to get out and I saw of line of people who had been rejected and I slipped into that line and slipped out the back door. Then I realized, oh my gosh, my friends are still in there! I had to save them. One I know had already been brainwashed and was getting ready to go do some unnatural things in traning or something. She was walking around in a tiny pink top and tiny pink thong with fishnet hose on and high shoes. I tried to save her but I couldn't so I went to try to save the other friends who I think were guys. I had to try to dodge all the cultist leaders and workers as they all knew I knew now their plan-they removed the memory of everyone on the way out and those that stayed just disapppeared from normal life. It was more of a cult-brainwashed-sex-slave sorta thing and I got the impression eventually they killed you in some horrible way. Anyways, I was trying to find them but I kept finding myself outside again in this stable area with horses (it looked alot like the back woods of San Marcos). Then I woke up.

Dragons and tigers and mice

2004-11-19T12:36:00.000-08:00

There once was a girl who was happy and in love. One day her prince left her alone in the woods and she was scared. She was frightened and didn't understand why he left her there all alone, telling here he would have wanted her for his wife if he had not left her. She was sad and weeped under the trees on the leaf covered ground until she could weep no more. She got up and stumbled from sitting for such a long time, never had she felt so alone and empty. I must mention that when the boy left her in the woods he magically reached in and grabed a chunk of her soul, equaling to approximately one half of it. So there she was left with only half a soul (he was her soul mate but it was just not to be by forces they could not see) and all alone. She wandered around the forest looking behind trees carefully trying to hide herself lest anything of harm should see her. She got bitten by a snake once and cried. This hurt and without an entire soul she could not fully console herself, she felt helpless and had to sit and cry again until she could cry no more. One day in the forest she met a funny little man in a dirty green cloak. He intriqued her and she watched him as he gathered his berries from the bush near her. He looked up at her and smiled and she felt something inside of her but it was terrifying and she immediately looked away. She could not help but think of him for the days following and the next day when she saw him picking nuts out of the dried autumn leaves, she talked to him. He was kind and had a gentle smile and invited her to dine with him. She accepted and spent many a day with him from there on but deep inside of her there was a purple spot. Now this purple spot was only compatible with a black spot for certain reasons best not said and she was unsure about this man's spot. It appeared slightly greyish but she couldn't tell. This greatly bothered her and she fought over it in her mind and the half a soul she had.....whatever would she do? She had grown to care for the man in green but the spot troubled her. Also she felt it a sacrilidge to her soul mate that hers could join up with another so soon...that too felt odd, almost like she was defiling something or like it would be picking the scab off of a wound prematurely. She was troubled about these things and pondered them....

Productivity? Me?

2004-11-18T23:47:00.000-08:00

I finished a report!! And homework!! This means I was productive!! Woohoo! Ok, enough of that. But really its a big deal as I haven't wanted to do anything lately. Oh and I had to make a web page for a class and you wanna see it? Its a fun thing I got to make up for traveling. Here is it. http://www.tarleton.edu/students/st_charlton/ There, where do you want to go? Ok, that's all, I just thought I should note that I was productive. There is proof.

Curithers, I ate a hamburger like 5 hours ago and I feel like I still smell like it!

Hamburger my love? You must mean bean burger....silly vegetarian....try wiping your hands with alcohol? Do take care though in this process....

Stripes

2004-11-15T12:10:00.000-08:00

No motivation. No interest. No care to do anything of the millions of things due. I want to run away overseas and learn a language and wait tables and read chemistry if I feel like it. No more do I want to be here. I may actually let alot slide this time. I don't care. I want to sleep for a month and a half, maybe two. Poop. Poop on it all. Can't I just run away?

Pain again from pears....

2004-11-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

I read the blog of the one who hurt me a while back and I realized all of a sudden that I am still in a hateful mood towards them. How could they hurt me so? It is my immediate reaction to want to hurt them back and make them feel the deep pain they have caused me. His birthday is coming up and I had contemplated sending him a card and now I feel in my head I have shredded any hope of that....I feel angry and furious actually. WHY!?!?? Why must these things happen to us? Why did that person have to die? Why oh why? Why did I have to meet them and why did they have to pursue me and why did I have to fall in love with them and why? Why didn't they tell me and why did I give part of myself or I was willing to give all of myself to someone that unknowingly would wad it up in a ball and throw it in the trash. Why? I still ponder why, I know God you have purpose in all things and this may be something to make me more compassionate but it doesn't take away the pain. I feel my wound has been bandaged all this time and I would try to make light of it as I never had to look at the open wound every day and now I have taken off the bandages and see it again after so many weeks. It begins to hurt all over again....but then does that mean its in my head that it hurts or that I have just been busy and have not felt the full pain of it all? Whichever it is, I am in pain now and I feel crushed again.

Curithers, can there ever be an end to this? Will I ever be able to talk to him again without feeling like I am going to vomit from pain?

My love, it does take time, like all things, you need to greive.....its okay to be angry right now. The sadness is gone and now the anger has come, it is all a part of it. Take care my dear and know there is a reason and you will be a stronger person because of it.

Crazy eyes revealed!

2004-11-12T21:29:00.000-08:00

Ok, I made mention of crazy eyes and here was an explanation of them during an episode last semester. I can't control when I get them, they just occur and they come at really weird times...very unpredictable. Anyhow, here ya go!

Uh oh, the crazy eyes came back. Let me explain the crazy eyes to this file. Crazy eyes occur when the pupils dilated to an unnatural size and the lids pop open uncontrollably and one feels as if they were someone else-possessed perhaps but not by anything of a bad nature-nor good either. More like an alter-ego perhaps, a different side of one that is subjected to denial or submission to prevent the revealance of it and the possible scaring of innocent bystanders. Yes, and all the crazy eyes make ones voice into a different tone and accent, never the same as it was the previous crazy eyes time period. The eyebrows are also important. They give the eyes more character and a voice to speak what they are really thinking and feeling-as they are of course. Sometimes they feel seductive in nature and give off their best sultry looks. This specific case is the most unusual as it does not resemble what it tries to imitate, it resembles more of the eyes that are in unnatural pain or agony. That is another good reason why crazy eyes are not to be seen or displayed in public settings. Remember this note.

And here is a common ending of one such occurrence:

Note-to be continued..another time. The crazy eyes are fading..till we meet again my dearestfarewell and come quick!

Odd, Curither, how such strange things can come out of such sane moments. I have never known myself to be normal but this just justifies my claims to weirdom.

My love, I have known this and find it an admirable trait, how many people can keep themselves so occupied and interested with conversations going on in their heads?

More pea soup please...

2004-11-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

What is it in us that makes us want to be taken care of when we are sick? I want someone to come and make me tea and sit with me and read to me and then tuck me and just be here for me. Being sick is a very lonely business when there is no one around to do this, trust me, I know. I hope it snows as well, that would be just lovely, absolutely lovely. White blanket of frozen water on the ground, solid H2O, that's what it is. Ouch, my body hurts, ok well that was my story for today. Oh by the way, the perfect PBJ is on wheat bread (not too heavy or nutty) with low fat crunchy pb (the texture is unreal!) and plum jam. Oh the jam must be homemade to achieve the desired full effect.

Curithers, I hurt and am tired.....whine whine whine.....

My poor love, have some tea as it is probably now cooled to just the right temperature and rest your eyes, sleep and give your body a chance to recover....its in a fight and it must be victorious.

Moods of the week

2004-11-05T18:40:00.000-08:00

Its so odd to see yourself go through like stages your body goes through, more specifically, moods when the week of moods is on. Like I feel as if I am on the outside looking in...Wednesday I was (hmph) amorous shall we say, Thursday I was depressed and unmotivated, and Friday (today) I am cheery and social (tired but still nonetheless). Kinda like waiting to see what is tomorrow.....suspense! Ok, I must admit, the Wednesday mood did kinda carry into yesterday but not all of it.
Here are some interesting instances of each day:

Wednesday - I was in the office with a fellow student and we were talking to a professor and all of a sudden I want to shove the student into the next room (a conference room) and make out with him....forcefully....the thing that stopped me was the fact that umm, yeh, he might not appreciate that. What startled me was the force that I was set out to use if I had indeed proceeded....weird.

Thursday - Paige, a good friend of mine, is having a baby...a lovely little one named Lily. Well, she will graduate this semester and move about an hour and a half away so I was depressed that I wouldn't see her often....why worry about it now I say to myself? -of course this is Friday though....

Friday - If you know me this need no explaining; for any shoe hoppers or Shur Shiners that don't, I tend to be more "non-social" in this area...plus after only 2 1/2 to 3 hours of sleep, I should be ready to hit the sack...nope, not today! More weirdness I tell you!

Ok Curithers, now that I have bored you with my thoughts for the day....

My love, we all must learn to sit through things and graciously smile, for you though, my dear, I found your "instances" very interesting as you put it...very....

Cinnamon peanut butter and raisins

2004-11-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

Ooo, how lovely, I tried this green tea from Japan and its wonderful. Very different, slightly nutty with a taste like the aftertaste of shredded wheat cereal. Mmmmm.

Ok so a half a week has been by and still I feel as I did like two posts ago, say Sunday or so. I truly hope it's just my weirdo brain out of wack but how on earth shall I knock it back into place? Anything drastic might knock any pertinent information needed out and then where would I be? Just as if I had never had any of my classes this semester. Oh and speaking of them, I am going to take differential equations (a math class) as it was recommended to me as a chemistry major I should have it. The odd thing is, from the two that recommended it to me, neither was able to tell me why it was a good idea, just that "it would be good for me as a chemist". So odd, I thought as you got older you had reasons for what you recommended (or more than I do now). Odd.

Ok, the peanut butter is not settling well with my horribly upset tummy and I have calculations to attend to.

Curithers, do you ever see me in the future losing my hair? It falls out in chunks now, what will happen in a few years?

Do not fret my love, if it does fall out, which is highly unlikely, you will wear amazingly beautiful hats and scarves and your head will always be warm.

Shur Shine Window cleaner-for all your ingrown toe nail needs...

2004-11-02T21:35:00.000-08:00

P-chem makes you crazy. I had a test today and then spent about 5 hours in lab doing p-chem stuff so all in all that makes a whopping 11 hours studying, testing, and doing p-chem...just for today! It makes me very crazy. Example: in medicinal I wanted to yell out a funny joke and start laughing hysterically to myself (this I refrained from), I also referred to the topical approach of a drug and then went on to make inferences about a slightly perverted tangent of that...accidentally but nonetheless embarrassing (this unfortunately happened). I then had crazy eyes (maybe I will post a crazy eyes explanation and story one day) and wanted to run around the room screaming chemistry stuff...woe is me.

Now for more studying!

Oh Curithers, thank the heavens for blueberry green tea and small crisp kosher dill pickles...

My love, you have forgotten the infamous staple! Peanut butter...it is hurt with the thought that you forgot it, nevertheless it shall be there for you....smooth or crunchy-it all depends on you....

A far away island....

2004-11-01T21:28:00.000-08:00

Oh, so sad today, I got invited to go to Cancun for free for a three day weekend....only problem is it was by this guy I don't know very well....well ok, I don't know him very well b/c I have one class with him and he is shy most of the time. We talk at least twice a week and he has the same major and he is super nice. Why can't he be someone I know better or just be a girl..either way would do! There goes my chance to be a lobster in the sun and to see some pretty Mexican beaches. Darn.

Ok, time to study for a test.

Do you think trick or treaters hold grudges? I didn't have candy so I gave out peanut butter crackers instead and they all looked very disappointed and uninthused. Poor dears.

Curithers! Where are you? I miss you!

Oh, hello my love, I have been reading the Tempest by William Shakespeare....quite an interesting one it is. You should definitely put it on your "to read" list for the break, instill some good culture in you-not that you lack it-but everyone can do with more. Trust me my dear.

2004-10-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Blueberry green tea is the best.

Why is it that I find myself attracted slightly to someone when I have sworn off males all together as a dying race that will have nothing to do with my intimate future? It must be pms hormones that are doing their awful work. Damn those hormones! I have to keep telling myself all they are in trouble and you will just get hurt and besides, its way too soon! Like in 2 years or so perhaps but not now. Good grief, weirdo body, its just plain odd. Yes I have decided it is the time of the month because I have known this person all semester and unconsciously all last semester and I was never attracted to them before. I shall have to test this out though, after this week I shall see if I still feel the same way, if so, I am going nuts and need something to jolt me back into shape.

Mmmm....green tea....mmmm......blueberries.....

Curithers, I have no motivation to study as I so need to.

My love, motivation is something not easily found, set a goal and see where that goes, if no where, perhaps your brain and body need a break.

Fish net stalkings and p-chem...what do they have in common?

2004-10-27T23:41:00.000-07:00

Today was odd as I see more and more how being president of a club allows you the joys of things while others can work on homework (which I really really wanted to do). I didn't even get offered help from my officers! I eventually did from one at the end of the totem poll but what's up with that? I guess it is my fate. Oh well.

Ever miss someone but if you actually saw them it would be kinda awkward due to mutual suppressed interest ever since you first met? Yeh, it would be weird and I might blush, good thing its not happening any time soon.

Ok, so p-chem homework goes much better when watching cartoons, something about the way the cartoons massage your brain to a numbness and the p-chem just flows right in. Oh by the way p-chem (physical chemistry) is like hardest possible undergraduate chemistry course....it is usually associated with death of the student's brain or drop-out (either as they seem equivalent).

Ok, sleep is needed. Oh wanna hear something interesting that is on the tip of my brain? We are doing a booth at a Halloween carnival tomorrow night and I get to wear hooker boots. I am part goth in my attire and so fishnets and hooker boots and crazy eye lashes are the key. I am happy with this. Speaking of happy, I am like dreading when it hits me again (and more) of my terrible loss mentioned in an earlier blog. I know it will come and I feel like I am just ducking ever so slightly as I wait for it. If it did not come I might be worried, worried that I am an insensitive one and my affections were not as deep as I had thought (which they feel very deep). Perhaps it would be just grace that my sufferings were cut short. We shall see never-the-less.

Curithers! A mosquito is buzzing around my ears!

Be glad, my darling, that you have ears to buzz around.....and lovely ones at that they are. (grin)

First day of asparagus and peanut butter (translation:school and grief)

2004-10-25T23:29:00.000-07:00

Well, my first day as a normal person trying to get over things went decently-as well as could be expected I suppose. I had a horrible morning and skipped some classes/labs for lack of concentration and emotional stability but after a nice nap until about 2 I was fine for the rest of the night. It still feels like a dream. I keep thinking he will call or email and tell me it was a mistake and he really does love me and can be with me. Realistically I highly doubt this, although it would be so amazing I would have to do something drastic...like run around naked in the rain or whatnot-oooo might scare a few bugs hiding in the trees...hmm....perhaps a rethink on that one. =)

I went to a friend's house who is having a baby and she showed me all her baby stuff (she's due very soon) and I felt half way sad and empty thinking I won't have any children that I so desired. I won't have them because I won't get married. Perhaps I will have an orphanage and will be able to love those children as my own.

Curithers, I must read now and then go to sleep, ready for another day..

Take courage my love, don't let the world get you down tomorrow, keep your eyes lifted to your Father.....He loves you, you know?

Stick a knife in it and twist...

2004-10-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

That is basically how I feel. I have been deceived and deeply hurt by someone whom I love with all my heart. It is like they are dead, it cannot be resolved in a normal manner, but they are still alive which hurts even worse. I have to now adjust myself to love this person as my friend and not as the one I have loved. I loved him in a way that I want to get old with him and have children with him and spend my life with him.....that has to all be erased. Circumstances do not allow for any of that now, I must simply love him as a person. Have you ever tried to change from that sort of love into a purely friendship one? It is so not easy. I mean, I don't even want a relationship with anyone if its not him. I seriously don't ever want to meet anyone, I couldn't bare to without thinking of him. I just see no future for me in that area.

I know I will grieve for several weeks if not longer, grieve for the loss of the person that I loved, the person I thought he was. God could have been using this for him or for me. I feel He has protected me and gave him a glimpse of normality (not that I am in any way normal of course) and perhaps he can see it is possible. I will continue to pray for him and for God to draw him in, showing him how much He loves him.

I can't but still feel so hurt, it is like my title says, a knife has been stuck into my heart, twisted, and yanked out. There is still enough there that I still deeply love the one who pierced it and care for them more than any person in the world other than my immediate family. It sounds so harsh but I want him to realize how much he has hurt me and see what he could have prevented if he had only revealed this sooner.

Life sometimes sucks is all I can say my Curithers...

My love, it does seem rather dim at times, but keep your chin up and realize you have an entire life still to live.....

Sodium Lauryl Sulfate......alias: sodium dodecyl sulfate

2004-10-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

Well well, I do feel different being older and legal but that is about it. I had a rather busy birthday-school wise-which was kinda blah. I actually had to wake up super early and go to bed super late and do crap all day. I did get to go out to eat but when I ordered a glass of wine she didn't card me! What's up with that? I could have had it all the time then? Hmmm? Oh well, I hope I get carded sometime this weekend or it doesn't count-the birthday and all...you have to be carded within like that weekend or the Monday following or it just plain doesn't count. Pressure is on. =-)

Anyhow, better get back to lab work. Interestingly enough, I inhaled some powder as I was weighing it out (unfortunately) and my lungs are slightly tight feeling. It was just a detergent type substance but it does say "if inhaled, may cause coughing, respiratory tract irritation, labored breathing, and pulmonay edema. may cause mucous membrane irritation." Hmm....something to definately take note of.

Curithers I was careful when handling it, I really was. I tried to look away or cover my face but some things are inevitable if done outside of a hood.....

My dear, really one must be oh so careful....perhaps a mask next time? Do watch your health tonight my love, just to be on the safe side......

Twenty First

2004-10-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, this is a landmark event here. This is my last night being 20 years old. Tomorrow I will be legal for most things. It is odd because I will not get to celebrate as I have homework and school stuff needing to be done but still...its a very different feeling. They say you don't feel different and generally you don't but I do now. I feel liberated and more free. Yeh, ok.

Curithers, I want to sleep in on my birthday but I have to wake up at 6 am to set up a bake sale for an organization....

My love, you will have a lovely productive day that will just start earlier than you would like it to.....and look on the bright side-you get to sit next to cookies for a bit, what a treat!

Blue crabs awaiting their horrible fate......

2004-10-18T00:23:00.000-07:00

I love research I have decided. I love to talk about what I have done and I get so excited discussing it and possible future things I may get to do.

I have also decided I hate men that are chauvinist pigs or just plain degrade and demean women. I feel there is so much more to women and they should be seen as people and not just icons of sex. I feel that we are very much equal and there is nothing in man that makes him better than a female. We are equals and some men do possess more strength than some women, that doesn't make the female the lesser of the species. Women can multitask better than men but does that make them better? No. I get the urge to strongly defend woman-kind when I hear men talking about us in such a way. We are not the lesser sex, we are the equal sex. Men would get no where without us and neither would we without them. It takes both to procreate-equally. Of course the woman does have to actually carry the baby but initially it takes equal effort on both sides.

I have been recently hurt emotionally and it really leads one to consider never opening oneself up to anyone again. I mean if you give yourself to someone and then they ignore you and don't seem to appreciate you, what it the point? I mean I still care and love for them but they don't seem to care about me at all....what is the point of me wasting my tears? I dare to wonder why we even love at all....why do we bother with people if they just hurt us? Why not love God and the earth? Neither will deliberately hurt us emotionally (animals tend to be un-deliberate every once in a great while). Why? I do not understand the logic in it all....I feel as if I am wasted and I have no desire to ever deeply love someone. I don't want to come to a time when they decide they don't love me anymore....that is too painful to go through and that pain doesn't seem to even out the time you would have spent with them. Perhaps I am being heartless and selfish but this is my blog and this is what I am thinking.

I need to rest....tests and quizzes in the morning.....

Good night Curithers, sleep well...
Good night my love, peaceful dreams to you and a restful night I wish you......

Gigantic Syringe or Cloned sheep?

2004-10-11T00:06:00.000-07:00

Well actually neither...you see the sheep were tossed as their wool had rat nests in it and the syringe weired out her husband too much, enough to want to buy a gun...hmmm.

I was looking for these items in the barn of a professor's daughter for a float for the science department in general...for homecoming of course. This parade will be in one week and we haven't even started making it yet! Oh well, I won't be there to see its demise anyways...isn't that horribly inconsiderate of me? I am leaving it to the hands of other students and officers of organizations to deal with the shame. It should be fun at least in the slightest bit. Maybe a few "naughty" nurses, as had been suggested, should lighten it up a tad. It will consist so far of Einstein and Frankenstein and his monster-whahahahah!...oh dear, excuse me. Interesting is the only word that can truly describe it.

Can you make someone want to be near you or miss you more? Well, if you have ever thought this, the answer is plainly no. No you cannot make someone want to spend time with you, you can desparately hope and pray, but ultimately they make up their own mind.

Pancakes are best eaten in the evening by the way and after studying physical chemistry all day, its very difficult to fall asleep. The brain has been on and running full speed for so long it can't remember how to turn off for a brief amount of time. (this is of course for us non-geniuses in the world, disreguard if you don't fall into that category-in fact, let me know and I will put you to work writing one of my many reports due this week so I may concentrate on tests and meetings and homework, blasted homework I tell you.

Curithers, I am sleepy but my brain is still running, whatever can I do?

My love, all you can do is lay down and think of restful thoughts, smooth running water over soft rocks in a creek, breeze whispering through massive pine trees, minute insects busy gathering food or finding new homes, unaware of the immense troubles in the endless world around them. Think on these things my precious one...

Kippers on toast

2004-10-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

I feel so stressed with all the crap I have to get done that I want to scream. I wonder if anyone else ever feels like if they "just accidentally got sick" or something of that sort then they could have reasons for mercy on their deadlines. On top of the intense screaming going on inside of me I also feel like a dam is being built up and may blow at any moment-tears I mean. I am sick and have lost my appetite due to all the things I have to do. I haven't really been procrastinating either, only on one thing really and that is for the end of the week. Lord help me and please, please hold me up. Give me strength and the ability to get all of this done. Give me clarity of thought and ease of memory and comprehension. Thank you for providing for me.

Rotten Rhubarb

2004-10-07T18:14:00.000-07:00

Ok, what's the deal? More undesirable "bump into's". Today I saw the Rotton Rhubarb, this one was nasty and I just looked at the piece of work and turned around where I was sitting, hopefully it was obvious. I should have given him a nasty look...this is how you make me feel.....ooo then it might be interpreted wrong. Sick. Old men or nastys is who I seem lure in....what does that say about me? Ick!

Curithers! Help! I attract old men who want to go home with me and are old enough to be my grandfater or men old enough be my dad who have children!! What's up with that?

My love, sometimes you cannot control life, it just happens. Laugh about it and please refer to comment from previous post about Houdini efforts and if this doesn't work, perhaps plastic surgery?

Armadillo again?

2004-10-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

You would think that avoiding someone in a normal sized town would be not so hard but how in the world can it be so!!! I loathe one person, in fact, when I see them it makes me want to vomit almost (chock it up to past experience) but I see them often, painfully often. I cannot go certain places and I must constantly be on the look out. Like this evening, I was eating with a friend and the "someone" ,whom I shall call armadillo, came into the restaurant to get food...imagine that...going to eat at the same establishment. Ok ok, I see that this is not such a coincidence but still. I Armadillo knew how much I pained to see him surely there would be no more contact, even if on accident? I snuck out when he had his back turned...sly I was....feeling like a regular James Bond or Mrs. Peale.

Curithers, how shall I approach this?
My love, with great tact....and plenty of escape routes...

peas and rutabaga...

2004-10-05T12:19:00.000-07:00

Geez, its amazing when you seriously pray about something and then it is so blatantly answered...so soon! Why do I have in my head that when I pray for something God will take months to answer, no matter what the request is. He is Him and can do as He wishes which doesn't always take forever (in my small brain). The blessing was super obviously from Him and was super cool...thanks God.

On a lighter note (heavier perhaps), one should not eat whatever is in front of her/him (her in my case)......this act, commonly known as gluttony, does not contribute to the body's well being and makes one feel lousy and fat. Even if the subject felt this way prior to the indulgence, the after effect is still worse than the prior. Ick.

Curithers! My stomach hurts!
Drink some warm ginger water and go to bed my love, this will always do the trick....
Oh, and do remember to try not to do this sort of thing in the very near future my dear, its not the best for you, you know.

2004-10-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

Why is it that no matter how much scientific information I obtain and knowledge of these supposed logical items, when I see one who is so strong in the Lord, I long to be like them more than the scientific things I know. Is that proof that God and being close to Him is still more important to me than knowledge that man deems so important and necessary to live a fulfilled life? I see a believer, one who has known Him for at least 30 years and has been walking with Him that same time, and her maturity and wisdom and I long for that which cannot be achieved by taking a class or studying and making an excellent grade on an exam. If only it were that easy. I realize that I have become engulfed by the world's idea that knowledge is everything and have caused myself to even forget simple love to others just as He shows me. I have become guilty of being selfish and harboring anger towards someone because I feel there was good reason, looking over the fact that I should be merciful in my thoughts toward them as He is to me. I need to love that person more and more as they grow increasingly cold and abnoxious.

Why have I looked over these things Curithers?
It is, my love, because you have become too obsessed with what the world would have you be or have you do. Remain true to your Father and have your actions please Him. Love to please Him. Give to please Him. Forgive and have grace to please Him. Do, not to be good, but to please your Almighty, your Ya-Rahmaan, my dear love.

Evil thoughts turn to evil actions!!!

2004-10-04T13:05:00.000-07:00

I have surprised myself today with how evil I can be and I feel terrible. It was a display in front of 23 students and was a humorous display but oh I feel awful. Oh well, shit happens right?

Rain makes me want to sleep and sleep and sleep. To cuddle up in bed and sleep for hours on end....maybe endless hours....is that the same?

Oooo...lightning, never good for my dear computer....

Curithers...do unplug that thing, its the most preposterous thing to have it plugged straight into an outlet during a thunder storm....you are so right dear love.

Curithers' troubling time.....

2004-10-03T11:01:00.000-07:00

So how can this be? I am ticked off with someone for almost a week now, increasingly more every day, and they do one semi-kind thing and I melt at their feet. How ridiculously lame is that? I try to stay mad and tell myself all the things they have done-or rather not done-and still I can't be mad anymore. Is this a sign of a massive weakness or just severe optimism? Either one, its annoying. I want to be ticked off and irritated but its not working. Blasted brain is not overpowering the soul. I am just simply ticked off for not being ticked off.

Curithers, it sounds as if you are having a troubling time here, is this true? Yes dear love, it is sadly enough occupying precious space in my twisted grey matter.....whatever shall be done?

First of many...

2004-10-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

Hmm, my first blog...whatever shall it contain...

Perhaps an introduction, nah, perhaps not. Maybe things that I should get out....maybe...but not at the moment. Hmmm, something odd today-or just a thought.

How come some people are so stinking social? I mean they just seem to have a knack for it? Also some people are so amazingly organized..what is up with that? Yes I am organized but it is more of a messy organization. Why can't there just be an understanding between the messy o's and the tidy o's? Then the messy o's could lose things every once in a great while (hemph!) and the tidy o's wouldn't be all uptight about it. Oooo, what if I am the only messy o and I that is why the tidy o's have a problem with me? Big long hmmmmm....

I made cookies today and they were lovely, odd how something so little could make me feel so content inside despite all the messy happenings of my week (not a reference to my messy o-ness by the way).

How important do you think it is as a person to feel wanted? I have been finding that it has a lot to do with whether a relationship is a good one or not. If one of the two (or three I suppose) is not feeling as if the other(s) feel their worth as a person, the bond is cracked between them. Why do people seem to not appreciate others? Is it lack of experience with intimate human interactions or is it seriously a sign of boredom from the one not "showing" the interest. Aren't friends friends because they give of themselves and share with each other and mutually give? Also if one does still want to be friends but doesn't care to show the other's value to them or give of their time to them (hey the smallest bit it still some) can this be possible?

Many things to muddle over in my brain....

My love, such seriousness should be reserved only for afternoons at 5:00. It is absurd to think in such a way all the time...so true dear Curithers.